Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

62. To blame: oneself

[A/N: Per usual - long time no see! Lovely to see you here. Have a lovely read<3]

Lin's POV
Vanessa was pacing back and forth, pressing her phone against her ear. Every movement of hers was tense, stressed in a way. She was talking to her parents as the night turned to day, her voice soft and somehow calm as she asked them to pick up Sebastian and Tobillo as the sun found its way into the emergency waiting room. She was braver than me, as I was moving my finger back and forth over the call-button, unable to make myself tell my own parents.
Unable to know what to say.
Or do.
Or think.

I swallowed, anxiously looking towards the end of the corridor; where Rue had disappeared just a few hours ago. And we were still oblivious. I was thinking, thinking of what had happened and what could've been if I'd recognised the signs.

Still, I couldn't find the signs.
I hadn't seen anything.
I had nothing to go on.
Absolutely nothing.

I was out of tears, and so was Vanessa. We were a mix of tired red eyes, blinding headaches and jumpy hearts as soon as something happened. The adrenaline was still pumping through our veins. Our heads would turn in panic as soon as we heard an alarm; alarmed it was meant for Rue. Because we never wanted to take another path without her.

Just two panicked parents in the waiting room, just a pair of two someones in the crowd.

"One", I mouthed, and continued - it making me feel a part of something. A part of helping Rue. "Two... Three", counting like I'd continuously done since we came here. It bringing me a feeling that I was somehow bringing her peace from our corner of the hospital. Far away from her; yet so close. "Four... Five... Six", I was counting like Rue's life depended on it; like every number would increase her probability of survival.

I was counting because she couldn't.

"Seven", Vanessa filled me in, as I felt her sitting down next to me, leaning her head against my shoulder - I, returning the favour, as I put my head against hers. We were dependent on each other, holding each other up when it felt impossible. Suddenly, I could feel my shoulder getting wet - more tears - as Vanessa spoke the words we were both thinking.
"I failed h-her", she sobbed, biting her lip. "I-I... I should've seen something, I could've done something-", as I wiped her tears.
"I, too, promised to keep her safe-", I whispered, unable to comfort her nor myself, as the thoughts she spoke had its own representation in my head. I put my arm around her, screaming for the comfort of someone else in this spacious waiting room that somehow felt so claustrophobic. I took a few deep breaths, trying to keep myself from crying.
"V?", though the call for attention was unnecessary as she was already listening to me. "We're here. Rue's here. We did all we could, when we could. And she's in safe hands now-", trying to justify everything, trying to help the thoughts from spiralling further.

Even though this wasn't justifiable.
It would never be justifiable.

"I know, I know... I just feel as if I'm holding my breath, Lin - what if she doesn't make it? Why did she take those pills? What if she'll never see the adoption papers? What if-", she quietly said in a panicking manner before I cut her off, as I was seeing the finished adoption certificate in my mind. It had been on the kitchen counter, in a brown envelope that Vanessa had written Ruth April Eileen Miranda with a calligraphy pen on. Vanessa had picked it up the day before, but we hadn't wanted to give it Rue, because of everything that had happened yesterday. The emotions, even though she'd hopefully gotten excited, would only stack and then fall apart. And she had already been at the peak of panic and then just quiet.
The quiet Rue that none of us knew.
The quiet Rue that had done this.
The quiet Rue that was so unruelike.
"I don't know, I don't... I'm holding my breath too, V-", but before I could say anything else, my phone began to ring - the caller ID spelling Mom.
They must've heard from Vanessa's parents, I thought. They must've heard. Why else would they call this early?
Though, now I had to say the words.
I had no choice.
I put the phone up against my ear, answering - thinking that the last time I was on the phone, it was to 911 with Rue's lifeless body in front of me.
"Hi Mom", I said, forming the words in a happy way; putting on a façade, while Vanessa gave me a worried look.
"Oh, Lin! Hi! Me and your father are just about to head to the airport, I was just going to leave a message. Truly didn't think you'd be up at this hour; did Seb wake you up?", my mom's happy voice asked. They were going to Puerto Rico today. In the midst of all; I'd forgotten.
I took a deep breath, Vanessa looking with unsure eyes at me as I pulled my hands through my hair.
"No, um...", debating every way of saying the next few words in my mind.
Rue tried to kill herself.
Rue tried to commit suicide.
Rue wanted to die.
Rue overdosed.
Rue did... something.
I didn't even want to think it.
I couldn't even form the words.
Vanessa squeezed my hand, nodding towards me. Always there. Always being Vanessa.
I took a deep breath, even though it felt like it didn't fill my lungs with oxygen at all.