Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

36. To meet

[READ THE A/N THERE'S A VERY EXCITING LITTLE THING FOR Y'ALL TO DO]

I looked down on the sheet of paper on my lap, wondering how this was something my psychiatrist was able to come up with.
In fact, there was 4 sheets of paper. A good number.
A chart of my compulsions, which she'd so precisely had called them.
It had been a month of seeing Dr. Noma every other week now, and I was still doubting her - which she just knew.
The trigging thoughts in the back of my head, always telling me that she wanted to hurt me.
Every compulsion had its own column. I was supposed to fill them in with a line each time I did it for one day each week.
I'd been quiet through the session after she gave me them.
I was still quiet.
"You'll understand why soon, Rue. Push the thoughts aside, debate if you have to do it. Like we went through earlier. Okay?", she softly said, so psychiatristry precise. I nodded. "And y'know, I'm free on Wednesdays too, so you can drop in after school too, just text me an hour before-", informing about what she always informed me about.
I cut her off.
Do you really think she wants you to get better? What if she just wants to hurt Vanessa? Or Lin? Or Sebastian?
Tap your thigh 23 times.
"How many people have you helped?", I shakingly asked, questioning my thoughts - like she told me too.
I was tapping.
Again. Restart. Do it in the perfect pattern.
She didn't look surprised at all, just smiled for a bit.
"I can't even think of a number - a lot of people"
Her honest answer made me feel a bit safer around in the clean, cosy and quiet room with the beautiful view over a park I didn't know the name of.
I glanced on the clock on the wall.
"It's 4:30", I exclaimed, as it tick tocked to the time I had to be out of here.
"Yeah, I know. We'll have to finish for today, then. Have a good week, Rue. Don't forget your assignment", she simply reminded me. I nodded approximately 7 times. "See ya next Friday!", I picked up my backpack, swinging it over my right shoulder.
When you get out of here, check if everything's there. Otherwise you'll die.
"See you!", I tried to sound as excited as she did, but failed terribly.
In the somewhat sterile looking waiting room, I opened my backpack, folding the piece of paper as precisely as I could, making the edges perfectly touch each other, and then checking the order of things.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven times.
If Whizzer would have been the one deciding whether if I needed a psychiatrist or not, he wouldn't have doubted at all, like with Jason.
Check again.

As I made up a plan of how I was going to walk out of the building, which was located rather close to my school - which worried me, since I couldn't imagine anyone knowing I went here every Friday, Vanessa came in through the door.
"Oh, hi V!", I said, smiling towards her, awkwardly rearranging my backpack again.
Or she'll die, Rue. Do it.
She'd patiently wait for me to finish.
"Sorry", I said, putting my backpack on. "So, I overheard that Luis & Luz are seeing the show tonight?", I added, as we gently would step down the stairs.
The thing that I'd been worried about all day, unsure if I had heard right or not.
"Yeah!", she kindly confirmed my statement. "Luis loves the show a bit too much, and so does Luz...", Vanessa said, giggling, then turning to me with a smile.
"They also really wanna meet you", she broke the glass of the little window I'd started to imagine after I realised that this was the reason.
I began to worry.
I'd said 'hi' on FaceTime. They didn't seem to hate me back then.
What if they won't like me in person?
Touch every wall 4 times.
What if they think I'm weird?
That I'm a freak?
Suddenly the much too familiar picture of my family was in my head, all so clear.
Blink 256 times and they won't die.
As I seemingly tried to control my breathing to sounding as if it was normal, I started to tap my thigh - telling myself that if I did so, everything would go perfectly fine.
"Rue...", Vanessa kindly and warmly said, popping my bubble from the outside world in the most gentle way possible. "I know you're worried, but don't, alright?", she put her arm around my side, pulling me into a small hug as we strolled down the streets of New York.
"They already love you, Niñita"
In some way, that comforted me in some way.
I didn't step on any cracks on the sidewalk.
"How's Seb then?", I asked, trying to steer the conversation away from myself & my problems, referring to my little brother who was sick.
Vanessa sighed empathetically.
"Yeah, the little bud is better than this morning. The thing about one-and-a-half-year-olds are that they can't tell you when they aren't feeling well... it just so happens", she said, shrugging her shoulders, letting out a laugh. "Apparently there's something going around at daycare, so at least we know what's going on", Vanessa said, relieved.
I cheered.
"You staying with him tonight or?", I asked, thinking of how sad Seb had looked this morning when me & Lin left.
"Yep, I had an emergency client so Lin took over at lunch time, so we're switching kiddos at the Theater", Vanessa easily answered, giggling. I smiled at her.
I was quite surprised at what she'd said. Switching kiddos. I really was a part of a family, for once.
Hopefully it would stay this way.
Blink; it'll do.
As we walked by a coffee shop, I'd watch the people inside - sipping their coffee, talking to their friend, being on their phone.
I looked at V.
She glanced at me, with that knowing face expression.
We we're thinking exactly the same thing.
"Should we get Lin coffee?", Vanessa curiously asked.
In unison, we answered the rhetoric question we both knew the correct answer to - as we nodded, and cracked a laugh.
"We should get Lin coffee"