Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

63. To be: alive

[A/N: Fancy seeing you here! Thanks for sticking with me and my slow writing, it means the world 💓 Here are few songs I listened to when writing this:
This is me trying - Taylor Swift
Ease my mind - Ben Platt
Cool Girl - dodie
Enjoy the chap!💐]

Rue's POV
I woke up with a pit in my chest.
Various sounds, not at all in sync, were working their way into my brain. Machines beeping. An AC humming. Distant walking. Someone breathing. A phone ringing a few rooms away. Yet, everything was utterly calm. Suspiciously calm. I tasted the air. My mouth felt dry. The air was clean and disinfected. Where was I? This wasn't home. Where were they?

Then, it hit me.
I was alive.

I didn't want to open my eyes. I didn't want to see the damage. I didn't want to see myself without control.

I could feel the tubes connected to me, strangling my control; taking it away from me. Yet, everything was going by so slowly, as if my brain wasn't caught up with my surroundings.
Even the thoughts were slow to begin with, even though there were the thoughts that I couldn't put to rest.
You have to blink.
It was slow and distant, almost like a whisper. It couldn't quite get to me. Yet.
I held it in.
I didn't want to make it real.
It was like a worry that wouldn't show it's face.
The pills. The outrageous amount of pills. The puking. The nausea. The dizziness. The crying. The panic.
I'd done something.
I'd let them down.
Blink.
I didn't want it to start.
Not again.
Again, and again, and again, and again.
I could feel my pulse going higher, and so it seemed to affect the beeping machine as everything was passing by quicker. The machine was going faster, too, and soon I could hear someone walking quickly towards me. Everything around me was a chain of reactions, all connected, like a domino effect - never ending.
Blink.
The thought was getting heavier, piling up by the millisecond.

I want to be here, I thought.
I just didn't want it to be like this.
I wanted quiet.
I wanted the quiet to come back.

The irrational thoughts crashing in my mind, as I'd panically started to blink. I couldn't keep myself from it anymore. It hurt enough already. It was already pushing me aside; taking over.

I'd let them down.
I'd said I'd try.
I'd promised them that.
I couldn't even keep a promise.
It was like a feeling of delight mixed with terror; mixed like sugar and salt in a bowl.
What if I did this again?
What if this was all I was?
I was skipping for air, turning to my side.
I had done this.
I had taken those pills.
I hadn't even given it a second thought.
I had put them through this.
Vanessa, Lin and Sebastian.
I'd done this.
I was the constant damage.

As I began to cry, I felt someone shaking me. A nurse, all blurry between the blinks and tears - the open moments reminding me, leading to the closed moments filled with scenes from me in the bathroom, walking to them, Vanessa trying to help and Lin hovering over me, both crying. Then, the journalist. And after that, Ansel. And then someone else. Someone I didn't recognize anymore. The irrational thoughts were going down memory lane, and I couldn't control it.

You let them down.

Because, if this was me trying, maybe I wasn't worth trying?

"Ruth? Can you tell me what's happening?", his voice distant and calm. The Ruth making me quiver, an instant signal that he didn't know me.
I wanted them here.
I wanted them by my side.
No, you don't. They know now. They'll leave you here. They probably already left.
I felt something tighten in my chest; the familiar feeling of loneliness taking over.
It had been like this before. It had always gone this way. So why was this hurting more?
Of course they weren't here.
Why would they?
I wanted to fall in love with life again.
I didn't want to be scared all the time.
I just wanted to be normal.
Just like any other person.
I wanted to live.
I just didn't know if I could.
I would live, but I'd give up to the thoughts again.
I couldn't handle another jump, another place, another family.
I'd grow old.
And I'll always be stuck.