Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

59. To do: it for her

[A/N: Long time, no see! I hope this chapter makes up for that time. It's a long one, and a rollercoaster too. Get something to drink and a few snacks, too. I hope you enjoy it!💓]

Lin's POV
I walked into the Rodger's, just before everything was going to be set up for the show - the time I'd usually arrived in the past few weeks. I ran up the stairs, stopping by every dressing room, saying hello and wishing them a broken leg.

As I arrived to my dressing room, I was once again met with an empty space, knowing that Jonathan was going to arrive 5 minutes before the show actually started.
Suddenly, there was silence. I didn't have to socialize. I didn't have to help someone. The contrast between constant attention to detail and this, this room, where it was quiet and nothing happened around me. From here, I couldn't help Rue, or Vanessa and Sebastian for that matter. It was the scary, perplexed, feeling that took over me as soon as I left them, and suddenly the world around me stopped.
It was just too quiet.
Almost boring.
It was like my body just felt the need to do something, my mind constantly waiting for the "What now? What now?"
I looked into the mirror, noticing the bags under my eyes. No wonder people looked twice when they saw me walking in through the door.
I just have to get through this, I thought.
I took my phone out of my pocket, to see whether I'd gotten a text about Rue or Sebastian since checking it last, which was before unlocking the door to the theater.
It was empty too, which was even more stressful than a text, because I was left unaware.

Deep into the cyberspace of my phone, texting Vanessa, I suddenly heard a knock on my door frame, as I always kept the it ajar. I turned around, unsurprised by the person peeking into my dressing room. The only one I'd unusually missed during my wishing a broken leg-tour.
And so, I was back to the unaffected, socializing, Lin, putting on my charm for others.
"Hey man!", I said smiling, seeing Chris leaning against the doorframe. "Didn't see you there", I added, laughing a little. "Was I actually here earlier than you today?"
He laughed.
"Actually", Chris said as he sat down on the couch. Once again, I turned my attention to my phone and sent the text.

<- I'm so sorry I had to run, V. Late night tea and chat after the show? I'll skip stage door just for some tea. Love you. And is Rue alright? She's been quite up and down today, but you already knew that. And tell Sebastian that Daddy will play trains with him the minute he wakes up tomorrow. Even if it's at 5 am. And know that I love you.

"How are you then?", Chris asked out of the blue, scrunching his forehead.
"Oh- I'm good", I quickly answered, looking up at him, as I shrugged my shoulders. "You?"
"Good. Good", smiling a little. He seemed forced, almost uncomfortable. This whole conversation seemed forced, which wasn't the usual case.
"Good", I nodded towards him, unlocking my phone to see whether Vanessa had replied.
She hadn't.
"Lin-", Chris began, only to catch my eye. Somehow, he looked betrayed, almost confused. "Lin, why didn't you tell me about Rue?"
The question hit me like the bullet hit Hamilton; unexpectedly, but still expected.
For once in my life, I was quieted. The silence between us felt unusual, like it wasn't supposed to be - shivering from the tension while waiting for either of us to speak.
I didn't know, I thought. I forgot, I suppose.
"Oh, um, I... I don't know. I forgot. Rue and Seb and V have sort of been prioritized since Rue came into the picture, y'know?", I blurted out, forcing out a reply to something that I didn't know the answer to.
It didn't sound like me.
With the next couple of words, Chris shocked me.
"And I get that, but you're my best friend, Lin! I told you about CJ the minute I knew-", Chris managed to say before I couldn't stop myself by cutting him off, feeling the anger bubbling up inside of me.
"But, CJ was little and born into a stable household with a loving family. Rue's a 15-year-old girl who, for the first time in her life, got in contact with that exact thing a few months ago. On top of that, she got to know that she had OCD, a diagnosis that pinpointed something she thought was normal all her life, something that she had to process and accept herself, in order to maybe - maybe - tell someone else, other than me and V. And I thought she was able to do that up until yesterday, because with the kidnapping, everything, absolutely everything, changed and she hasn't accepted that yet and-", I stopped to breath when I saw Chris' face and felt the regret pour onto me. Somehow, I felt like I'd betrayed him even more. I exhaled. "Sorry. I didn't mean to go off on you like that, it just-"
Chris just shook his head, a sad smile on his face.
"You needed to go off on someone and I just happened to be in front of you", he looked both a little hurt, but at the same time undismayed; like he'd known that this was coming, the minute he knocked on the door. "You can't be Mr. Kind at all costs, Lin. Just let me in, okay? That's all I'm asking of you here", Chris stopped talking, looking at me.
There was a quiet between us, one that I felt needed to be broken; and at the same time I realized that he walked in here, knowing that I would go off on him and wanting that to happen.
Somehow, I accepted that fact.
"Yes, yes, of course. Thanks for volunteering to get yelled at. Maybe I needed it", I said a little annoyed, looking at a satisfied Chris, who was smiling at me. "What?", I confusedly asked, unsure of the situation.
"So, I've already spoken to Amber when I came in this morning-"
"You were that early? Jeez, I need to step up my game, I can't have you beat me at one, being early and two, then not me finding you to wish you a broken leg!", I joked, cutting him off, laughing away the strange conversation.
"And I called Lac too", Chris continued, his face turning serious. "...and we've decided that you are going to take a few days off"
I furrowed my brows, the smile falling off of my face.
I turned quiet again, only to gather myself and my arguments, as I watched him stand his ground.
"Y'know I can't do that. I don't miss a show if I don't have to. Like, I'll pull the IV out of my arm if I have to; and I have", I protested, like a child refusing to eat their vegetables.
"Amber's already set everything up, Javi has already come in and we've got several swings to take on Ham if that's needed-", he continued, stating his case like I was going against him in court.
I rolled my eyes.
"Aren't you listening? I'm not doing it", I snapped, shrugging my shoulders, standing up to go and get the newly washed and ironed 1776-esc attire, as Chris stood up to stop me.
"We're worried about you, man. I am worried about you. I've been working with you for what, ten years?", he protested against my case, proving a point in the midst of a moment, way better than I ever could. I usually work on mine, like writing the lines in a sonnet months before going onstage. He'd always been better at freestyle in serious situations. "And I've never seen you this out of your element. You're stressed, I don't know if you know what that is, but you are and it's visible", he quickly added, giving the second speech that he had volunteered to do by knocking on my door frame just a few minutes earlier.
"But-", I managed to utter, trying to decide whether to joke about it or to talk back to him.
"Go home, Lin. That's an order from your commander", he lifted his eyebrows, looking down at me, being far taller than I, as he had the audacity to quote my own show.
I didn't talk back. I just checked.
"You sure?", I asked, waiting for a confirmation.
"Yes. As soon as I read your email, I, and everyone else here, was sure", his serious tone making me feel blind of myself.
I swallowed, bowing for the guilt that was hitting me.
"Okay", I said, gathering myself, already laying out a plan. "I'll be back in a few days. Don't go crazy without me. Don't let the place fall into pieces, okay? I'm still above you, commander-", raising one eyebrow as I let go of Alexander for a few days, starting to pack the little things I'd managed to unpack, in the little time I'd spent here today.
"Yes, president-", Chris laughed, watching my inconsistent self already focusing on something else - Rue - easily changing the path of the day. "And, before you go, just know that I'll watch Rue whenever you need-"
Like I do with CJ, I thought.
"Thanks, Chris. But-", I began to say, replaying yesterday in my mind. "It's a lot right now. She doesn't really manage other people anymore", he nodded, acknowledging my words.
I bit my lip, knowing that Rue would have to go and see someone else at some point. Even though it was scary for both me, Vanessa and, most of all, for herself.
I heard Dr Noma's voice during the phone call yesterday on repeat, telling me that it was good to make her go outside; that what happened yesterday at the Theater was a step, but maybe, that the next time, the step should be a little smaller.
Suddenly, the words poured out of me.
"I'll... I'll check with her after talking to V"
And between talking to V and checking with Rue, I might as well give Dr Noma a call, I reminded myself.
Chris smiled while nodding at me, and somehow we felt alike and it felt like usual again.
"Now, go home, Lin", highering his eyebrows, giving me a serious look.
"Okay, okay-", I laughed, putting on my backpack, checking my phone again. "I'll be back in a couple of days. Keep it up around here, promise, commander?", In other words; you're the only person that can keep this place running when I'm not here. He nodded, taking upon the mission, just like I knew he would, as he almost pushed me out of my dressing room.
"See ya!"