Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

94. To go: back

[A/N: Quite a long chapter this time. Hope you'll like it! But - first and foremost, there are a few trigger warnings for this one : mentorns of anxiety, panic attack, blood, throwing up, self h*rm and su*cide. Please don't read if any of that makes you feel triggered. Alright?❤️]

It was only a few days later,  and the preparations for the move were truly happening now. Lin was off with Sebastian at the doctor, just to make sure that everything was alright with Seb before the flight. Vanessa and I had began packing my things. There wasn't too much to pack to be honest, considering that we were moving into a fully furnished place and that we were only going to be there for less than a year. In that way, it didn't make sense to pack every little thing.
But I needed the continuity. And Vanessa and Lin knew that packing my things were going to take the longest, even though I had the least amount of things.
So there I was, slowly but surely packing clothing and other knickknacks into suitcases.
"Niñita, I was thinking about packing your bedsheets in this box as well. Could you go and get them from the cabinet in the hallway?", Vanessa calmly asked me, knowing that I liked to know where things was.
"Sure", I replied, and stood up, walking out of the room. Unconsciously, I held my breath at that spot where I had been unconscious just a few months ago. It still sent shivers down my spine and made my entire being feel uneasy.

I stopped at the cabinet and pulled out my sheets, two patterned ones that I had picked out just after moving in.

I turned back around, held my breath, and walked into my room at the end of the hallway again.
Vanessa was standing up now, halfway into my wardrobe, to be able to get my shirts out.
"Here you go", I told her, as I put them into their designated place in the box.
"Rue?", Vanessa asked for my attention, sounding soft and gentle.
"Mm?", I asked her as I looked up, wondering what she meant. But I quickly fell quiet.
My eyes locked for a second at the frame she was holding.
The glass was broken. The frame was old and worn out. We almost looked happy in the picture. My Dad looked sober, and there was even a little smile on her face. My Mom looked as if she wasn't really there, and there was a smile on her face as well. But she looked strained. And I was just a toddler, not even two years old. Probably around Sebastian's age. I anxiously swallowed, suddenly feeling the shame and guilt wash over me. My heart started to beat faster. I hadn't looked at it for months.
In slight shock, I desperately looked down.
"I just found this, I thought maybe you'd-", she said as I processed the picture in my head. I cut her off, in pure panic.
"S-sorry, you... you weren't supposed to see it, I... I'll throw it away, I- I don't want it anymore", I defensively said, grabbing the picture from her and pushing it against my body, so that she wouldn't have to see it. Or maybe to keep it close to me.
"Niñita, hey- hey, look at me", she said, searching for my eyes. Though my unwillingness, she quickly locked eyes with me. "I can see that you don't want to throw it away", she began to say. "And I'm sorry I found it. But you shouldn't feel like you have to hide it from us. It's yours and it's a memory for you. So please don't feel like you have to throw it away because of us"
I squinted my eyes closed, and felt the tears coming in.
"Sorry- I... I don't want to throw it away", I whispered, my voice breaking. I looked away, feeling slightly ashamed of myself.
"I see that, Rue-Rue", Vanessa said, putting her arms around me, pulling me in for a tight hug. "I see you"
I slowly let myself lean into her.
"I think we have a spare frame, if you want to put the picture into a new one?", she hesitantly asked me, and before I knew it, I was nodding.
"Yeah... I'd like that", I quietly replied. Vanessa let go and nodded at me.
"I'll go get it then", she said, hurriedly walking away.

I stood still, still holding the picture tightly.
Not really daring to move. Just keeping it close to me. Afraid to lose it.

"I think this will work-", Vanessa announced as she came back, holding a black frame in her hand. "Let's see", she said, telling me to hold out the picture to compare and see whether it would fit.
I did it quickly, far too quickly, because I forgot that the glass was broken and suddenly one of the shards cut the palm of my hand.
It stung worse than I thought it would, and in reaction to the pain I dropped the frame, making the glass shatter even more.
It's not right.
The feeling washed over me.
And then that feeling turned into a must.
"No, no, no, no-", I found myself saying, seeing that there was blood on the picture now. I quickly bent over to pick it up, but realised only when I was picking the pieces together that the weight had shifted within me. The cut on my right hand was pulsing with sudden pain, and my left hand was untouched.
Before I knew it, I had picked up one shard of the glass and slid it through the left hand's palm, in the exact same place.
"RUE-", Vanessa panically exclaimed, sounding scared as she grabbed my hands and pulled them apart before I could finish the cut. I suddenly realized what I was doing and dropped what I was holding once again, backing away. I was scared now.
Vanessa followed after me, trying to get in touch with me. My eyes were big, staring into nothing as the adrenaline rush came in. And then slowly left my body.
"I-I... I-", I stuttered, feeling how I started to shake. Unable to say anything, really.
"It's alright Rue, it's alright. Just breathe with me", Vanessa said, looking straight at me. She was holding my hands, pressing at the wounds with some sort of paper towel she'd found on my desk. She breathed in, not breaking eye contact, I followed her lead and took a breath together with her, trying to focus on the motion rather than the millions of thoughts in my head. I couldn't seem to piece together the pieces, unable to realize what I had actually done. We breathed out.
"Rue-Rue, let's go to the bathroom and clean this up", Vanessa carefully told me, not trying to make me more alert than I already was.
I nodded, just a little, and she led me to the bathroom. I was still zoned out, but reality was slowly kicking in.