Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

29. To admit: something to yourself

[TWELVE THOUSAND. WHAT]
I looked around in the hallway, as I distinctly stared at my shoes while tied them, still doing the usual morning routine - but I stopped in the doorway as I placed my hand on the handle.
Lin had left early for an interview about ten minutes ago, after me convincing him that I could head to school by myself, which took a while. Especially since the journalist event at the theater. Yesterday, he'd been stressed because he had to rush to rehearsals - and dropped me off at school in a hurry, which just made me feel like a bother.
Vanessa always left earlier than us, with Sebastian.
But, in all of that shoe tieing - something happened. My mind had accelerated since I'd taken my first step outside the apartment. My worry levels were on top, falling down the bottom of the worry hole - somewhere I couldn't get out of. Not anymore.
What if you forget to tap the fridge 57 times? What if you didn't close it properly? What if everything will go bad and Lin, V & Seb will die because you made the food go bad?
I took another step, turning around to close the door. My breath went seemingly heavier.
Did you reorganise your bookcase enough? Go and do that four times.
Suddenly everything in the world except the things I had to do didn't matter.
I couldn't go outside, because if I did someone would die.
I didn't feel alive.
In a matter of seconds, I'd turned around - made a dash through the door and smashed it closed.
I practically attacked the fridge.
In a blur - in a time that I didn't comprehend - I completed it, all in full on fright.

When I was doing the same thing again, I knew there was no way I was stepping outside that door. It was all too scary in the outside world. Everything, especially everything, could go wrong.
As I frantically tapped on everything in the living room - running from side to side, a routine formed - as I called myself in as sick. Tobillo was barking at me, following my every step.
Not that I was sick. This was to prevent others from fading away.

Lin's POV
I looked from left to right, and then quickly ran over the street after the weird taxi driver, who'd been rambling on in what seemed like forever, and then he'd dropped me off a block away. In the mid of rehearsals I'd realised that I'd forgotten the Moana notebook at home, which I desperately needed so Pippa and Chris could look over it.
Walking up the few stairs, to then unlock my door and a certain Tobillo bark - she didn't even jump up on me today, the welcome gesture that was a daily routine.
I suspiciously threw off my shoes, as she didn't run towards me. What was she barking at?
As I walked through the corridor, my backpack slipped over my shoulder, I noticed that Rue's shoes still stood in their spot - as neat and perfect as always.
This made me raise an eyebrow, and my walking got seemingly faster.
If Tobillo hadn't been barking, I hadn't noticed them. I shrugged my shoulders, trying to brush it off as I grabbed the scribbly sheet music and my messy notebook - but then, heading towards Tobi. Maybe Rue was wearing her other ones, I tried to assure myself - still, I knew what this could mean.
I couldn't leave home without a belly rub, not in a million years.
I peaked my head inside the kitchen, seeing the pup barking at something - and as my worst scenario got true - Rue was there, in an even worse session than I'd seen her in before.
I started going over the things in my head, her OCD hadn't been getting better - if it was something, it was worse.
"...Rue?", I asked, and when she didn't respond I walked towards her, seeing her panicky running from every corner of the kitchen. She tapped on the counter, and then reorganised the order of food magazines."Niñita?"
I dropped my things and in a matter of seconds, I was by her side, taking a steady breath as I held her. Not only did I hold her tight for comfort, but for safeness too. My Niñita.
My eyes narrowed into her's, which were red from crying and still rolling from one side to another, in a hyped and frightened way.
She seemed to be shaking, her breath as quick and short as someone who'd been running for a few miles - but it was scared breathing.
"I-I... I'm s-sorry", her light, regretting, way of talking made my heart shatter into 525.600 pieces.
"Shhh. It's not your fault", her heart's still racing as a butterfly's wings, a frightened bunny, lost in the woods. I let her bury her head in my hoodie, embracing her.
Soon, she would try to get away, in such a robotic way. Why? To do something she thought she had to do.
"No, breathe instead", and when she finally had gone back to not shake, I asked the next question. "Did it get too much?"
I think I'd never gotten such a genuine, short, nod from someone ever.
"How long has this been going on?", referring to the fact that she was at home, alone.
Her jumpy self tapped on the kitchen counter behind her.
It really looked like she'd given up.
"...Two days"
I kept my emotions inside, the ones that were blaming myself. Did I do something wrong?
In her face, you could see that Rue was in pain. Not in physical pain - mental pain.
My Niñita.
My beloved, shattered, Niñita.