Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

68. To befriend

[A/N: A little heads up - this is a long chapter! Get yourself something to snack on and maybe a cosy drink, and get ready to read!☕️]

Rue's POV
"So, let's start. Rue? Do you want to share anything with the group?", Dr Noma asked me two days later in group therapy. The exciting conversations between the people who already knew each other stopped, and the attention turned to me.
It was my third time there. I still didn't know anyone, but I'd tried to learn their names. I think a girl named Marie was bipolar. And the boy right next to her, Xander, had an anxiety disorder. From what I'd noticed, they seemed to be together. A guy a little older than me, Mateo, was the only one who had OCD, that I knew of. He was quiet, like me. The first few times I hadn't dared to say anything, and had sat with my head bowed, counting, blinking and tapping. Today, I'd looked up, and I was determined to listen to what the others were saying. Dr Noma had even asked me beforehand if I wanted to say something. Somehow, I'd said yes, defying the screaming no's in my mind.

Tap 23 times.

No reason, but I did it anyway as I simultaneously took a deep breath.
"Hi! Um... I... I'm Rue, OCD", I tentatively began, trying to mimic what the others had said the last few times, my gaze flickering between the other group members, trying to avoid their eyes. "I... I went to the park two days ago", I quietly told them, almost tasting the words in the new environment.
Blink 23 times or they'll think you're a freak.
A freak? I thought, protesting and questioning my obsessions. Is this rational? No. The people here are like me. We're not freaks. Drop it. Spiralling back on my own thoughts, but I was already blinking.
Just in case.
"I... I haven't chosen to go outside in a very long time... and it was actually quite nice", gaining a little confidence, still scared to look at the other members of the group. "I even played catch with my dog", I started smiling a little, feeling proud of myself even though I wasn't supposed to. Dr Noma smiled back at me, nodding in an uplifting way, clearing every doubt my mind could possibly come up with.
"That's good, Rue! Going outside can be hard. I think a lot of you can relate to that", she began, only to look at the girl with black hair two seats from me who had put her hand up. She hadn't spoken a whole lot, but she hadn't been quiet either.
"Sepi?", the girl nodded. "Go"
"Hey! I'm Sepi, and I've got OCD too", she began, sounding way more confident than me while looking at everyone only to stop and nod towards me with a smile on her face. I immediately woke up from the fact that there was one more person than Mateo in the group with what I had.
Someone like me.
"It mostly renounces around a fear of intentionally or unintentionally hurting someone, like making them sick or getting sick myself so that ends in a lot of checking", she said, keeping her eyes locked on me. "And it really comes in waves for me. So I know what it's like not going outside for a while. The park is a good spot though. Then you can build it up from there", she concluded.
The reply and advice was so simple, yet so effective. It warmed me, and I returned her smile shyly, nodding lightly. Only to immediately look back at my fiddling hands, overwhelmed by the situation.

It was a strange feeling to know that people who I barely knew were going to know me, my OCD and my deepest, darkest, secrets. It almost felt like betrayal to talk about it aloud, like I was unfaithful to my own mind's standards. On the other hand, they were telling their stories. So, in that sense, I wasn't breaking too many rules.
Start tapping again to make up for what you said.

I listened carefully to what the others had to say, while keeping myself busy. I was doing everything my mind could come up with. Just so I could listen, for once.

To my surprise, it felt nice. I had been so nervous the few first times that I'd forgotten to listen closely, to take it in. Most of us were quiet personas, I could tell. A few were more outgoing. Everyone was telling everybody else something about their week this time. One guy, who's name I still hadn't learned, talked about celebrating his sister's birthday. A new girl there, Anna, said that she'd had gone two days without a panic attack. We all clapped and cheered for that. I understood that Marie, the bipolar girl, was in a low, but that it wasn't as bad as many other lows she had been in before. Mateo said that he had gotten takeout from McDonald's for the first time in years, and that it had been good, but also that he had gotten really worried afterwards and had to clean and wash himself. I suddenly started nodding at him because I understood. Before I knew it, I was also saying something.
"I know! I call it payback time. Because I know that whilst I'm in the situation, whilst I'm pushing the boundaries, that I will have to pay for it later", I was surprised by my own voice, surprised that I dared to speak again, surprised by it's light excitement and happy tone.
Twitch because you spoke when you weren't supposed to speak.
His face lit up.
I didn't twitch.
It didn't feel needed; it didn't seem like a rational thing to do.
He seemed happy.
"Right?", he excitedly replied, almost making me jump a little. Though, I wasn't scared, just unprepared. "Though, I call him Brian. Brian the Brain meddler. I can literally feel him making plans the second I do something I'm not supposed to do", he said, saying the most he had done in all of the past sessions.
"Like, god, Brian, can you stop?", rolling his eyes dramatically. It was the first joke I had heard in this room, one that resulted in everybody laughing. Mateo actually looked sort of happy with himself, as he sat in his chair stiffly, trying not to touch anything around him. Which was understandable, as I'd seen him clean his chair before and after every group therapy session.
"Why Brian?", Xander asked, giggling.
"Never liked the name", Mateo answered, shrugging his shoulders while stating what was so obvious to him, but what others could only wonder. "Feels like a middle aged man who would complain about every single thing in his life, that everyone in the neighbourhood just hates", he continued, painting a picture of his Brian. As I imagined Brian, it almost made me giggle. Mateo's Brian was the personification of a mind with OCD.
"Fitting", Sepi said, laughing. Even Jane, who hadn't said a thing in any of the sessions, giggled a little.
I think almost everyone in there saw their Brian, and recognised him. Everyone in there had their own version of a Brian. And I thought to myself, that maybe everyone had one. It just maybe wasn't as prominent as our Brian.
Maybe I should name my Brian too?
"Well then, guys, let's end on a good note like this one. If you want a fruit, or something like a coffee or tea, before you leave, the table is over there. See you next week!", Dr Noma said cheerfully, making me look at the clock above the door out to the corridor.
Somehow, an hour had passed. It had felt like nothing. Maybe I'd actually had fun. Everyone stood up and collected their things, and so I did the same thing, even though I only had my jean jacket with me. Dr Noma approached me, smiling.
"Good job today, Rue", she said. It justified breaking the rules even further. I smiled. Maybe I wouldn't have to face Brian later.
And maybe I won't call my OCD anything.
"Thanks", I said, proud of myself. "See you tomorrow then?", I asked, double checking the schedule even though I knew it by heart.
"See you tomorrow", she replied, nodding towards me as she waved at everyone and walked out the door.