Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

60. To unfold: one's arms

[A/N:

Before anything, trigger warnings and mentions of: self-harm, obsessive thoughts and suicide.

Hi there! So, I hope you're ready for a 5000 word chapter. A comebacks of comebacks. And sorry I've been rather quiet during the past months. I hope you are staying safe and is well during these uncertain times. I know for one, that it's hard to comprehend and cope with. But we can get through this - and I hope this chapter will bring you back to 2016, away from current events. Let's escape together, shall we?

And when writing this, I found myself listening to several songs - all of which I've probably had in A/Ns before. But, here we go.
Arms unfolding - Dodie
Empty man - Orla Gartland
Motion sickness - Phoebe Bridgers
Life on Mars - Lazarus the Musical, Sophia Anne Caruso

I hope you enjoy the chap!]

Rue's POV
I felt my heart beat in every single particle of my body. The doorbell continuously ringing in my ears, repeating the events. Hurting, pressuring and making me feel so little in my safe corner of the world, the corner that suddenly didn't feel so safe anymore.

But, it wasn't ringing anymore. My head had it on repeat, like a tape stuck in a cassette player. My head was pounding. I felt like I couldn't sleep, nor could I stay awake - stuck, unable to do the things I had to do. I was on the line, feeling the fatigue coming in, while hearing everything so clearly. Feeling it all. From words three doors away, to an ambulance three blocks down - the sirens, the ares and yous, the ambience of silence. The panic running through my veins from the loud noise, reminding me of what had happened as the sirens took over, dominating my mind palace. The wrongs of my body. The wrongs of my room. The wrongs of my behaviour. Punching myself with thoughts and words.
Why did you have to react like that?
Why can't you just be normal?
Why aren't you tapping?
Tap. Tap. Count. Count.
Nothing could ever drown that out. Even if it sounded muffled, in the back of my head.
How many pills did you take?
1-2-3-4-5-6.
6?
You should've taken more. You need to take 2 more.
Why aren't you getting up?
Tap. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8-
I couldn't get up.
I was just so tired; but every time I closed my eyes something flashed before them.
9, 10, 11, 12-

I pushed the pictures of the ambulance - nurses and ambulance personnel bowing above me, the light stinging my eyes, the feeling of losing control - into the back of my head, ignoring it in the best way I possibly could. In the way that it pressed on my brain up until the moment where I couldn't take it anymore.
You have to get out of the way.
I couldn't freak out. Not again. Not for the fourth time in the last 24 hours.
Blink, will you?

Through the door, that was kept slightly open, I could hear Chris speaking to Lin.
"...I didn't think it was this bad, Lin, I-I...will she be alright?", Chris asked, sounding a bit shaken up, stopping mid sentence to change the direction of the sentence.
I could almost envision Lin shaking his head to make him change subject. My stomach twisted in knots, making them twisting onto each other - growing bigger and bigger as I realised he'd gotten instructions not to talk about me, in front of me. Or whenever I could hear or eavesdrop, since they were standing right by the doorframe - near enough for both privacy and for Lin to keep on eye on me.
"Yeah", Lin replied, rejecting the subject of the conversation with a quick yeah, trying to steer it elsewhere.
No, I thought, I need to go back to the way I was. Then I'll be alright. Normal.
23, 24, 25, 26-
His voice was stable, keeping it together by a thread - not for Chris, but for me. So that I wouldn't panic because of a couple of words. I could feel his eyes glancing towards me, hearing him back up to check on me.
I'm in the way, I could hear myself thinking. You're in the way, making me believe it even harder.
"We'll just take it easy from now on. Could you tell Pippa?", the few words represented so many more, censuring them from my ears.
Filling in the gaps, routines started to stack up - like, she's like this. She's a freak. She can't control herself. In the way, sabotaging for me and Vanessa. Can't even be home by herself. Keeping me from going to work. Abnormal. Needy. An obstacle. Annoying. A hold-up. That's Rue. That's you.
"Of course. Take care, man. Not only of her, but of yourself too-", Chris said, as I saw him put his hand on Lin's shoulder. "See you!"
In the way.
Get out the way.
Everything would be so much easier if you were out of the way.
Everything.
"Yeah, yeah, bye!", Lin said, not moving from his spot as I heard Chris walking towards the door, opening and closing it as quietly as he could.