Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

69. To come: out and play

[A/N: So I wrote this in like five days? What's happened? Is me from four years ago back? Anyhow - hope you enjoy the chap!💐]

It was a Friday afternoon, three days later. It had been an uneventful few days. In a good way, I suppose. I hadn't scratched up my arms again, even though I was fully off the medication that they had given me in the beginning of the hospital stay. Which, to be honest, had made me come off as abstinent, which I wasn't fond of. I had switched to a new antidepressant, and so, I was on a strict schedule to not start taking more of them. I wasn't exactly sure if it was going to work, but being completely off medication wasn't working either. It just made my mind the worst it's ever been. And I, my mind and body, probably wouldn't be working if that would be the case. I tried that at the hospital. It just led to them sedating me, as I panicked.

I reluctantly swallowed the pill with water, under Vanessa's supervision. I knew it was for my own good, but it had now become a worry that what happened last time would happen again.
"Done", I announced, taking a bite of the apple that I had promised them I'd eat.
Blink.
I did.
At the same time I had to remind myself that the antidepressants wouldn't make the worries go away completely - only make them less worrisome, more manageable and something I could question, maybe even ignore.
I took another bite, against the instructions from my mind.
"Good", she said, nodding at me.

Stop eating.
I stopped eating the apple, putting it down.

I was standing next to Vanessa in the kitchen, leaning against the kitchen island as we were completing a list for tomorrow's surprise celebration.
"So, wake up at 7, wake Lin at 8 and have breakfast as we watch the Tony nominees at 8:30?", Vanessa repeated, going through the timetable on her phone that probably was made more for me than for her.
She was interrupted a little here and there by Sebastian, whom was sitting and playing with trains on the floor. This time it his impression of a train whistle. I giggled.
"Sounds good", I confirmed, blinking to make sure that I had memorized it. I answered Sebastian's train whistle with my own, leaving him very happy with himself.
"And we'll have Luis and Luz and my parents ready on Skype...", she started, but it instantly made my stomach knot up.

Not because they were going to be talking to us through Skype, but that they weren't going to be here. They were supposed to be here for the Tony Nominations. They were supposed to be here, and if they weren't here, it wasn't going to be because of me.

"No, invite them over", I said, even though my mind was already protesting. "They should be here. It'll be fun to see them again", the words true yet shakily frightening.
"You sure?", Vanessa asked me, a little worried.
"I'm sure", I said, decidedly, ignoring the spiralling thoughts, because I knew they were irrational. On some level, at least. I even put on a smile. "I can do it"
To my own surprise, I actually sounded confident. And I knew she was scared that I was rushing it, like I always was. But I knew my own ability.
She smiled.
"Okay, let's do that then", she concluded. "I'll go call them-", but at the same time, the doorbell rang, making me jump a little.
The sound immediately set off a reaction within me.
No one was supposed to come by today. We hadn't ordered food, Lin wouldn't be home until later and he wouldn't have forgotten his keys. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. This wasn't the plan.
Start tapping.
23 times.
"I'll take that. Might be Ms Nunez who needs help with something", Vanessa quickly stated while smiling at me in a reassuring way, and walked away. I heard her open the door, telling Tobi to stay and not run out into the hall, to then start greeting whoever was standing there. I couldn't hear who it was, but that the exchange between them and Vanessa was happy. It somehow made it easier, as I held on tight to the kitchen island top.

"Rue?", I heard Vanessa say a minute later, asking for me to come to the door, but all I could see was the endless possibilities of why not to.
It might be the foster system coming to take you away.
Tap and it won't be.
Of course they're going to leave you.
Tap. Come on, tap. Tap!
Don't go.
Don't.
It might be someone you know and they'll see you like this and realise you're not worth it and that you're a freak and they'll hate you.
They'll leave you too.
Don't go.
Blink. Blink. Blink.
23 times.
Again.
Don't you dare.
What if it's someone you know?
What if they'll see you?
They'll hate you.
You're not worth the trouble.
You're not worth anything.
I stood, frozen.
I couldn't.
I didn't like this.
Come on, be rational, I thought to myself.
Yet, this was life.
The doorbell rings every once in a while.
It happens
It's life.