Belong - an adopted by Hamilton fanfic [Hamilton]

41. To turn: back

The touristy day of Valentine's had left me with great memories, and a few bruises from falling down a couple of stairs in the evening when stopping to pet Gideon and forgetting there was a big staircase in stone in front of me.
Like you do, I fell.
I lost the grip of Odd's leash. He, being a curious puppy scared and anxious of the world, just like me, stayed by Gideon's side.
My bleeding legs wasn't something I'd liked seeing.
My brain had begun to freak.
What if the wounds'll get infected? And you'll get sick from some other bacteria? And make Carson sick? And Vanessa? And Lin? And Seb?
As my breathing got heavier, I only found one stressing solution for this.
I began to tap.
Frantically as ever.
I must've fallen on some glass, because this hurt a ton. My jeans had been cut through.
It'll get infected.
Blinking, like there was no tomorrow.
Not because it hurt, because I was afraid someone else would get hurt because of me.
Carson, being the soon-to-be-med-student he was, casually started to dig deep in my backpack that he knew contained every little thing that may be needed.
A first aid kit was one of them.
He just started to put me back together, with disinfectant and plasters.
While I was telling him to stop because I didn't want him to be bothered with the weak girl who was two years younger than him.

When he just ignored me, I began to apologise.
He kept plastering my bleeding, open, wounds back together like it was the easiest thing ever.
You're in the way. Tap. Tap til it feels just right.

Soon, he was to be done.
"You alright?", he gently asked.
I took a deep breath.
"Yeah-", I nodded. "Sorry"
"You apologise a lot, my friend", he giggled, sitting down next to me.
I finished tapping.
Tap again.
He looked down at my hand.
"You know, don't you?", I asked him, just out of the blue because of a feeling he outshone.
That he knew.
I didn't want him to know.
Gideon laid his head on my lap. I would pet him, the fluffy grey fluff making me somewhat comfortable in this situation.
"That you have OCD? Yeah", Carson said, shrugging his shoulders, smiling at me as we looked out on the darkening day.
I sighed. Feeling like actual shit.
Half for not telling him - that he had to find out by himself, half for that I'd failed so badly at hiding.
"Sorry", I breathed.
All my hiding, for nothing.
Why did I always have be so afraid?
Scratch your wrists just so it'll bleed. Punish yourself for not telling him yourself.
He grinned at me.
"It's alright - you're just as ruemarkable as ever"
The assuring words that he spoke, making me feel allowed to smile even though I was punishing myself by scratching my wrist in a rather discrete and quiet way. I did not want him to notice it.
It was enough that Lin & Vanessa knew. And Thayne for that matter.
And the silence wasn't awkward - it was a comfortable, a knowing, silence.
We sat there.
And then we talked.
I scratched a little extra. My nails breaking through my thin skin.
We were just rambling about everything.
All was well.

When I got back, I was met by Vanessa and Lin curled up on the couch binge watching Netflix.
Lin turned his head to me, from a big old smile to a confused and a worried look on my face.
My tights were ripped to the fullest and covered by some blood.
The actual wounds were covered by bandaids.
"What the heck did you do?", he said in a worried, yet calm, way as he quickly stood up in order to walk towards me.
"Seriously, Lin, you need to chill. I just fell down some stairs in Riverside Park", I quickly told him, laughing. He lifted his right eyebrow.
"I'm alright. All pieces are puzzles back together with plasters", I smiled, squatting down to Tobi who had been jumping up and down on me for the last few seconds. As I began to pet her, the happy tail would wag just from the appreciation of me being back home.
I quietly ignored the pain of the soon-to-be bruises that would occur as I moved and walked.
Vanessa finally cracked a laugh from the serious silence, and Lin began to chuckle too.
"Oh my god, Rue. You just got rid of the cast, and now you've fallen down stairs?", Vanessa rhetorically asked, giggling at my actions.
"Don't even ask", I rolled my eyes.
"My unfortunate ruby", Lin said, looking at me with a small grin. "Rueby", he repeated, as he would define something in the Urban Dictionary.
I smiled.
I'm definitely a series of unfortunate events.
"What's with all the nicknames?", I giggly questioned, as I stood up again.
Tap your thigh. 23 times. Then repeat 4 times.
"You deserve all the nicknames, mi niñita"