The Badboy's Heartbeat [BxB] √

CHAPTER 61

XAVIER ROCKWELL

Spending the night alone again was somehow a blessing in disguise. I got the chance to lie down on my bed and without the exasperating presence of my mom and Hector, it felt heaven to me. I got the chance to actually make up my mind with the presence of silence that's there to help me think. It was very much a self-reflecting moment and while I wasn't expecting to talk myself this much, I may have enjoyed the solitary confinement.

Jordi didn't hold back earlier and everything that got out of his mouth made complete sense. He was right when he said he forgave me for everything that I've done to him and that I should at least give my dad a chance of the same chance that he gave me. I did a lot of unforgivable stuff towards Jordi and not only that he gave one but he basically swallowed his words and gave me a lot of chances. It takes a good heart to give out chances like they're flyers and coupons. I fucked that chance up more than once and he still gave me a chance to earn this big word called forgiveness. I thoroughly understand the fact that Jordi and I's situation was entirely different than me and my dad's. It's difficult to weigh them as equal. However, they both got the same qualities that needed forgiveness.

I just don't know if I could ever forgive my dad or if there's even room for such thing inside my heart. Even if I gave him a chance to earn my forgiveness, I'm not entirely confident that I'd give that shit to him. I was extremely hurt when he left us and the fact that we couldn't do anything because we're just the second family, was utterly agonizing.

And then Jordi's words echoed back and forth inside my head. He said something about not letting anger and hate and pain make a home within me because it would do nothing but corrupt my soul. That one truly cut deep straight right through me and he's most probably right about it. It has already created a home within me and I might've not noticed that if it wasn't for him pointing the facts out. The pain and anger and hate had created such a trifecta inside my heart and that's probably the main reason I was an asshole. I hated the world. I was angry at my dad. I'm in constant pain because of my mom.

It seemed so easy to say don't let it make a home within you but you're actually not in control of it. Those emotions and feelings simply don't ask permission, they just start crawling up inside of you, towards the inner parts and then they plant their roots like plant runners. But if there's one thing that I know, it's that life isn't really an easy puzzle that you would solve in five minutes. However, Jordi was right. Just because you don't have control over these emotions planting their roots within your core doesn't mean you don't have control over kicking them out. You do have that control.

I don't really know what would I've done if it weren't for Jordi. Perhaps there's a reason why he showed up in my life. Perhaps, there's a reason why our stars collided even though we belong on two different sides of the spectrum.

I guess I'll try my best and slowly ask for the anger, hate and pain to leave. They've already had their fair share of screen time in my life and its most definitely time for them to fade and slowly disappear from the background.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt so much better. Jordi and I really had that serious conversation and it gave me some thinking points. I had a good night sleep even though I spent most of the night stressing over whether I should give my dad a chance or not. I finally have come up to a decision to let things play out and stop letting the anger, pain and hate decide for me. Before I'll take Jordi's advice, I decided to pay my mom a visit and hopefully, I'll take another wisdom from it.

When I got to the rehab facility, I instantly saw my mother waiting for me at the table in the corner. She looked a little healthier and somehow, I feel like she managed to integrate herself very well with the people inside. Weirdly enough, I really felt in that moment that I did miss her. I keep on telling myself there's nothing to miss about her but really, I was just trying to convince myself not to be sad and pissed about my mom going to rehab. There's really something to miss about my mom. I may not know what it was but I could feel it.

When I sat down right in front of her, there was a reign of silence and she couldn't look at me straight in the eye. The small changes that I've seen from her was very evident. She still had her eye bags but they're now smaller and seemingly lighter. She seemed to have gained a little weight even though she still looked slender. Those were simply the start of her actually gaining her health back and I'm very much happy about it.

"Hey, mom." I urged myself to start the talking mainly because I noticed my mom's just waiting for me to start steering the wheel. It was already awkward when I sat down with her and as much as I'm grasping the situation, I clearly don't want that energy to drag further. "How are you doing?"

"I-I'm really sorry, baby." She whimpered looking down on her newly painted nails.

"For what?"

"For not telling you that I'm checking in here."

"Oh, it's fine, mom. I'm over it."

"Imelda and I really went on it. She used to be my best friend too and she was really mad at me. She really did spell it out for me and I just realized that I've been walking on the wrong path for years and years." My mom vocalized and I heard it in her words that she finally woke up. It put a timid smile on my face.

"You look a little healthier now." I muttered. "You're starting to gain your beauty back."

"I do?" My mom's face lit up and it was such a picturesque sight to see her like that.

"I mean; I'm really doing well here. The first seventy-two hours was the worst hours of my life but I managed to survive that. Thank the lord I did not try to escape because that would be utterly embarrassing. Some of the newly checked in patients here tried to escape." My mom went on; her tone was glimmering with burgeoning excitement. "I'm still having occasional episodes of withdrawal but there are a lot of people here supporting me." I guess she was excited to share the news to me and I'm very much thankful that I thought of coming here.

"I'm really glad to hear that, mom."

"How about you? How are you doing, honey?" My mom reached out for my face and that simple touch from my mother felt soothing somehow. "Have you been eating? Fuck, I forgot to leave you some money."

"It's okay, mom. I'm doing great being alone." I asserted making my voice as firm careful not to let her read right through me. That was clearly a lie and I just don't want her to worry about me because she should worry about healing. I haven't been doing that well. I was just stabbed recently but of course, I'm not going to reveal that to her. "I'm used to the hustle, you know that, mom!"

"That's my tough boy." My mom chimed with such pride but then the brightness in her face was changed with such a gloomy disposition. She began sobbing.

"What's wrong, mom?"

"I-I just realized that I was a h-horrible mother." She whimpered and if I was harboring such hate right now, I would've easily agreed to what she had said. "I'm sorry I fell out so deep into the abyss. I'm really sorry that I gave you such a shitty life." She looked at me and I just stared at her not really knowing how to react. This was the first time she had apologized for it and it somehow felt good on the inside.

"Mom..."

She took a deep breath and eventually stopped sobbing. "I'm going to get better, Xavier. I will do whatever it takes. I don't know how long will I be staying here but I'm going to get all of the help I need."

"I love you, mom." I smiled at her. Deeper on the inside, I wanted to shed a tear.

"I love you, too, Xavier."

The visit that I had with my mom didn't go as I intended it to be. I was planning on bringing up dad and his offer but then I realized she might relapse. However, I did get what I want to get from her. She just apologized and although it wasn't nearly enough to help my situation, I figured it would be best for me to swallow my pride and do something to help myself. Clearly, she's not coming back any time soon and that meant I'm going to lose the place. She sounded very much determined to detoxify and be sober which was the best thing I've heard from her. I'm ecstatic about my mom's energy and that made me think of actually giving my dad a chance.