Soulmates

Chapter 74

TW FOR SH AND MENTIONS OF ATTEMPTED SA

STAY SAFE OKAY

IF YOU CAN'T READ THIS THEN DON'T FUCKING READ IT

I'M GONNA LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT OKAY

IF YOU'VE DEALT WITH OR ARE CURRENTLY DEALING WITH THESE, MY DMS ARE OPEN

OKAY BYE

Jaz didn't know what was wrong. She just knew she didn't like it. No, she fucking hated it. She loathed it.

    Her arms hurt. But they also didn't. They had healed overnight, and it didn't physically hurt, but it still did. It didn't make sense.

    She found a box cutter in her room this morning. It was in the bottom of a drawer. She left it there.

    Something was comforting about how it hurt when she placed the blade on her leg, pushing down just enough to burn but not enough to bleed. Jaz knew she was fucking crazy and worthless. But that's why she needed to be punished. Punish self-harming by self-harming. That's how it works, right?

    The thought made her go back to the bathroom and cry. She texted her mom: can you take the box cutter from my room? and also throw away my razor, it's dull and i forgot to this morning. Translation: If I have a sharp object in my room, I will use it on myself. Help me. Please.

    Jaz wished she could send her parents that translation, but they refused to help Auntie Ashley. Why would they help her? There wasn't a point in even trying.

    Instead, Jaz wiped away her tears and took a deep breath. It would be a lie to say it would be okay, but there had to be something to look forward to.

    Yes, there was something. Saturday, she'd be with Sadie, and they would hug her and tell her they loved her, and Jaz would feel okay for a second. And everything would actually be good for a little while.

    But then Jaz's parents would appear because they tracked her location. They'd see Jaz kiss the love of her life, and Jaz's parents would kill her. They'd actually fucking murder her. Or maybe they'd kick her out, and she'd be murdered on the fucking streets of New York. Either way, she'd die.

    A part of Jaz was aware that the odds of such a thing happening were slim to none. But still, the point stands. What if?

    No. No. No. That wasn't healthy, Jasmine Maia Anderson. Use that lovely little brain and think for, like, half of a second.

    Which, yeah. Thinking coherently does help sometimes. It helped her remember that she finally got Brown Girls in the mail. She would get to read it today.

    Breathe in. Breathe out. Jaz looked herself in the eye as she did. Make it through today. Just make it through today.

    She waited an extra minute, and her eyes were no longer puffy. Then she ensured her sleeves covered the bandages she'd applied to her arms and opened the door. She left the bathroom. She found Sadie. She realized that she had no friends. She ignored the thought and went to Sadie.

    Sadie turned to see her and ran from their lunch group to hug Jaz, and for a moment, everything was okay. Maybe everything would be okay. She buried her nose into Sadie's neck as she hugged their waist tighter. She was crying. Why was she crying? Sadie didn't seem to be fazed by the fact that Jaz was crying, had she been worrying them this whole time. She didn't like it when people worried, but she couldn't find it in herself to care as Sadie rubbed her back and whispered, "It's okay. It's gonna be okay."