Soulmates

Chapter 58

MASSIVE FUCKING TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDE AND DISCUSSIONS ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH

I REPEAT TRIGGER WARNING ABOUT SUICIDE AND MENTAL HEALTH

IF YOU CAN'T READ THIS, THAT'S FINE COME BACK NEXT CHAPTER I WILL STILL LOVE YOU

OK STAY SAFE

Magnus,

It's truly a strange feeling to think of suicide, even for just a moment.

You're hopeless, and nothing can seem to ground you. Everything is against you. A constant reminder of your past, your failures, you. And you think to yourself, what if it were over?

A crystal thought, one as sharp and clear as diamond. Yet terrifying, nonetheless.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this letter; I plan on crumbling it up into a ball the throwing it in the trash alongside some other drafts of clothes lest anyone gets suspicious.

Maybe I need to let it out. I don't exactly have a therapist, and I'm not going to burden you with my lack of mental health.

Alex crumbled up the paper and threw it in the trash.

    There was no true method to recovery, no matter how much people wanted to claim there was.

    It's impossible to just stop being suicidal, to stop overthinking, to stop an unhealthy trauma response. No, that shit stays.

    Therapy hasn't worked for her. Maybe she hasn't found the right therapist or isn't trying hard enough, but it didn't work. Mediation takes too much time and focus. Dieting scares her because Jesus himself knows that Alex would probably start forcing more rules upon herself that would bring her down more.

    Does therapy work for some people? Yes. Does meditation work? Does dieting work? Of course, it does.

    But everyone is different when it comes to recovery. And yet the people who get the attention are those with the nice mental illnesses. The people with the nice face, the nice body, the nice skin, the nice sex (because don't get people started on gender)

    Alex did not have a nice gender, nice sexuality, a nice skin tone, or a nice mental illness. No, she was hella intersectional and hella fucking broken!

    Why is recovery only for those who the world deems worthy of recovery? You can't recite the words of mental health awareness and racial awareness and only talk about depression and cishet black men. And even still, you exclude them from your conversations of healing.

    Why was Alex unworthy?

    Was her depression not relatable enough? Was her dysphoria too confusing? Was her skin tone too dark? Was her gender too vague? Was her thinking about who would miss her too dark for you?

    What the fuck do you think mental illness is? Explain it!

    She wasn't a relatable little toy because depression isn't a fucking joke. It isn't fun; it's a fucking prison. And all Alex wants is to be fucking free from its clutches, but the police in her mind handcuff her to the bars every time she gets close to escaping.

    It doesn't matter.

    Alex could die, and no one would care.

    Except for Magnus.

    Except for Samirah.

    Except for Shel.

    Except for Sadie.