Soulmates

Chapter 71

No llores. That was the only thing Shel could think of as she had another breakdown.

    Over and over. Around in an endless cycle of feeling okay, helping others, forgetting yourself, and dealing with your feelings. Then you start feeling alright, maybe help some people out. But you neglect yourself, so you need to build back up again. Finally, Shel felt a bit happier again. She smiled and genuinely meant it. Her mind began to find itself and help her think when flipping arepas on the stove. And she'd made new friends, and they desperately needed help. And help. And more help. And it triggered her again. She just pushed it down; 97% of women deal with that shit. She's not special. Now it was crashing down.

    There was nothing Shel could do for now. The only option would be to let everything crash and burn and start rebuilding once the ashes settle.

    So, she warmed up to a random video she found and watched in resignation as her brain shut down. She'd have to do something about it later, but it was about getting through the day right now. Deal with it later. And make sure no one found out. Shelby didn't like putting her weight on other people; she also didn't like to show that she was fucked up in front of other people.

    She trusted Piper. She fucking loved Piper. But the last time she was vulnerable with someone else, he put drugs in her drink. She knew Piper wasn't like that, yet her acute anxiety disorder prevented her from letting go.

    Shel always said that her SA only affected her sex drive, but Shel was a good liar. She avoided parties; she hated wearing oversized clothes because that's what he found sexy. She never let anyone but her parents hold her drink. Not even Leona. No one knows she has a diagnosed anxiety disorder. No one knows that she kept everyone at arm's length, even if she "adopted" people. She just gave advice; it was nothing revolutionary. Hell, the only reason Shel had actual friends now was that Sadie took a liking to her.

    Honestly, Shel doubted she would have let that happen without exposure therapy, CBT, and meds. But mental health is expensive, so she had to lose the CBT and conduct her own exposure therapy.

    Over and over and over, purposefully doing things that she feared would trigger a panic attack until one day, she got used to it. It was much more complicated without a professional, and Shel doubted she was doing it correctly.

    She allowed herself to show some emotion. People expect tears when talking about SA. In fact, that's less abnormal than just staring into space, wondering if that was the moment you would die. So, she spoke about her SA, though minimal.

    But no amount of makeshift exposure therapy had taken away her fear of being betrayed again. Crying over nothing wasn't something people needed to see. Shelby could hold her own drink. Shelby could hold her own.

    Shel was in tune with her emotions. She knew how she worked, and due to her fear, she learned how others worked too. That's why people liked her so much. She was observant. The risk of being hurt unexpectedly goes down by knowing precisely what they feel. So, Shel was aware that all of her friends weren't doing well. She was also aware that Piper was worried about her. Fuck, Piper knew her too well.

    That's a good thing; Shel internally chided.

    Nevertheless, Sadie was worried about Jaz, who probably had a mental breakdown. Will was in a depression, though Shel didn't know why and so was Nico. Leo wasn't sure if he should be happy or not. Reyna was missing someone, though Shel didn't know if it was Hylla or Thalia. Alex was a fucking mess, though she was getting better, and Magnus (if she could even call Magnus anything more than a strained acquaintance) was grieving and worried.

    Nico strummed the opening chords to Flowers, and Shel had finally perfected it. To truly make an impact, ensure your performance is deadpan with rhythmic interpretation, belting at the end before going right back. Mr. A said she had the Jimmy Award in the bag. She didn't, this performance would only get her a nomination, but Shel could appreciate the sentiment, she guessed.