Wretched Roses √

Chapter 50-thirtieth

*grief, brief mentions of depression, trauma*

Leona's POV
I thrashed around in bed, the clock was nearing 1 am and I couldn't fall asleep. One hour ago the thirtieth began, it had been one year. Exactly one fucking year. It had yet to fully process, it hadn't hit me. I heard a groan and yawn next to me and felt guilty realizing I'd woken Freya up.

"Can't sleep?"

Since I didn't answer she snuggled up further into me. "What's the time?"

"It's the thirtieth," I murmured.

It took her a moment to realize and when she did she only held me tighter, tracing circles on the palm of my hand. I sighed and stared up at the ceiling, though I could barely see it because of the dark.

"Fuck, Freya. Fuck."

Giving me a peck on the forehead, she said, "I know, I know. It's okay."

"Can we go on a walk? Please. I can't sleep and I don't know if I can stay inside any longer, it feels like I'm suffocating. I need a distraction, fuck, I need-"

She shushed me and stroked my hair, "I understand, let me put something on and we'll go outside. You can lend something."

I nodded and kissed her in appreciation. We got dressed and then we headed outside to go for a walk. It was quiet outside with the exceptions of a few passerby's and cars driving by occasionally. It was snowing, although barely. It hit the ground so gently, covering it with a protective coat of snow.

"How are you feeling?"

"Numb, it's like it's that day all over again. Shit, Freya. It keeps repeating in my head. I remember it so clearly. Her lifeless body, staring at a wall for god knows how long while my parents cried holding each other for hours. Julian, the nurse. Everything. I hate this so much."

I choked up, my whole body trembling so much I had to hold on to her. "It hurts so fucking much. It aches to just think about her. I'm a constant reminder that she's dead, my parents still have that look of sadness every time they look at me. I don't blame them for it but it hurts when they can't even look at me in the eye."

"It'll be okay, I know it will be," she said and hugged me tightly.

"I'm not so sure about that. I don't want them to see Layla when they look at me, I want them to see me."

"They will, just try to give them a little bit more time."

"Okay," I agreed reluctantly, not sure if I believed it.

***

When I woke up that morning, I'd slept for around one hour. Freya had stayed up with me for as long as she could but eventually, she drifted off and I couldn't keep her up any longer. She needed sleep, I wouldn't rob her of that. 

I stayed in bed, scrolling through my phone until Freya woke up a few hours after me. She yawned loudly and cuddled into me. For a while, she tried talking to me but I didn't have the energy to give her a reply. Not only was I psychically tired but I was mentally exhausted.

She got out of bed and mumbled something about breakfast before walking into the kitchen. I was feeling a range of emotions at the same time, I wasn't sure how to handle them. It was like I felt everything and nothing at the same time. It was too much to handle.

I grabbed a pair of headphones and blasted music until my eardrums may as well have popped. Everything from there on was a blur. I remember Freya trying to get me to eat something and drink water. She took her antidepressants and took a shower. I think I screamed at her once but my memory was too hazy for me to recall why and if it happened.