Again. Again. Again. 《 l.s》

♡ FORTY - FOUR ♡

"I was there for you in your darkest times. I was there for you in your darkest nights. But I wonder where were you when I was at my worst down on my knees?" Maroon 5 (Maps)

"Sorry that I let you down. All these voices in my head get loud. I wish that I could shut them out." NF (Let you down)

••••••

Songs

Let you down - Nf

Maps - Maroon 5

Something great - One direction

••••••

[ 🚨!TW!🚨 Harry's scrubbing ]

[ Louis's POV ]

Don't think Harry really believed my apology. I could see it. Because even though Harry is insanely good at masking his emotions on his face.

His eyes are an open book.

Begging to be read, but it's one of those books that every time you read it you get hurt by the ending. But you keep coming back because it's your favorite. So in a way, you're hurting yourself every time you open it up.

•••

[ Harry's POV ]

All day my arm itches and makes me feel gross. It makes me continuously fidget around during class. It gets so bad I have to excuse myself and splash cold water on my face.

Get it together
Pathetic

God how I haven't missed them

The day ticks by and the walk home feels even longer. Because even though me and Louis are on somewhat good terms. I still walk home everyday, very exciting. It does give me a lot of time to think though. Last time I did this much thinking I almost admitted everything. I almost opened up, yeah. That will never happen again.

Look where it got me.

•••

When I get home I roll up my sleeve and look at my arm. There isn't a bruise or anything. It's just red and irritated from me scratching at it all day. I realize who touched me; tears instantly gather in my eyes.

I stumble to the bathroom and turn on the water. I don't wanna do this, I don't.

But what other choice do I have?

•••

I'm sitting in the bathtub, clenching my hands at my sides so I can't do it. I can't, I promised

"Promise me you will never do that to yourself again." I shake my head.

"I don't wanna make a promise I can't keep."

'I understand, at least tell me when you feel like doing it. And maybe I can help ok?"

"Ok, I promise that." I lay my head back in his face and he runs his hands through my hair.

I swallow thickly and glance over at my phone sitting on the toilet lid. It's so tempting, I could pick it up and just call him. Beg him to come over and help me.

No
You can't do that
You will look too desperate

They are right. I realize now how many things they are right about. I was too busy doing what Louis said. Which was to ignore them. To realize it was Louis feeding me lies all along.

But I promised

Harry Styles doesn't break promises

But Louis Tomlinson does.

"I'm never gonna leave you." He reassures me.

"Promise?"

"I promise."

I sigh and stretch to grab my phone. I'm insanely careful as I hold it over the tub. The last thing I need is to get electrocuted. That would just add to the misery. I slowly dial in his number. I sit there for almost 5 mins. Until I close my eyes and click the call button.

It goes straight to voicemail

Even if Louis would have answered. He would have hung up after he figured out what I was doing. He would have been so disappointed and confused.

Once he found out I was fighting to scrub him off.

I don't wanna scrub him off. I really don't, but I can't help it.

I have to scrub of forgein, unknown, bacteria filled touches. But Louis touch isn't unknown. At least not the old Louis.

The old Louis was gentle and kind hearted. The old Louis washed his hands before he touched me, everytime. Even when I told him it was fine. The old Louis would say 'I know your lying' when I would crack my knuckles and ask 'what's wrong' when I would pick at my fingers. The old Louis would give me a reassuring pat whenever I would pick at my shirt.And I know it sounds stupid i'm calling him the old Louis. But I know he has truly changed.

Because the old Louis

Would have answered the phone.

It's crazy how one person can change another, in a matter of days. For better, or worse.

I sigh again and reach for the washcloth. I go through the normal routine of scrubbing the spot until it's bright red and there are tiny blood dots. I squeeze my eyes shut and bite my lip to keep from crying out.

It hurts, it hurts so bad. But it also feels so nice, it's a stress reliever. Running my wrinkled fingers over the spot. It feels like I'm ripping my skin off. Which is what I have always wanted.

Sometimes the most twisted ways are the only way you can get what you want in this world.

As I lay in the bathtub, with a throbbing arm and blurry vision from a headache. The real tears start, and not the ones from external pain. The ones from inside.

I hate this

I hate myself

I hate who i've become

I deserve better than this. I want a happy ending.

Is it too much to ask for something great?

I just want to shove myself underwater and never wake up again. Then all the pain would be gone. I would never have to feel pain again. It would be free. The overlooming weight constantly crushing me would be gone and lifted. I could breathe again.

But I could never do that to my mom. It would hurt her too much. And I've already hurt everyone in my life enough.

••••••

I wasn't gonna do a double post. But I really pike this chapter. And I thought you all might need a distraction from the election.

Love you

- T xxxx