I Want What I Can't Have

Addicted

I stayed in the hospital for another few weeks in which time Katniss had her trial. I was told she was found not guilty because they thought she wasn't in the right state of mind or in other words she was insane when she killed Coin. I was also told as a condition of her release, she had to continue treatment with Dr. Aurelius over the phone, whoever the hell that was. Finnick explained how she'd wanted to say goodbye to me but had already gone back to 12 with Haymitch.

"Her mother has gone to District 4 and Gale to District 2," Finnick explained.

"And Peeta?"

"He's around somewhere," he shrugged.

"Has Jo left yet? She hasn't been to visit in a while," I asked.

He sighed, "She hasn't gone home yet."

I gave him a confused look, "why the sigh?"

He went to open his mouth but shut it again.

"Finnick," I said, "tell me what's going on."

"Look I'm not meant to tell you this until you're discharged from this place-"

"Well I'm getting discharged today so really it's the same thing, now spill," I demanded.

He looked at me sadly and I tried to read what he was going to say next. My mind assumed the worst.

"Is she dead?" I murmured, the words feeling so hollow and so wrong.

"No!" he said quickly, "god Flaire I didn't realise I gave that impression. She's definitely alive but she's been struggling with the morphine addiction again."

"I have to see her," I said.

"That's exactly what she said you would say," he replied.

"And too right! She's my best friend!" I exclaimed, "she helped me when I was in hospital now it's my turn."

"Flaire you've barely been discharged yet-"

"I'm going to stop you right there Mr," I replied, "how long has this been going on for?"

"The addiction, who knows? The treatment against it, a week," he revealed.

"A week! A whole damn week! And you didn't tell me!" I yelled.

"Johanna made me swear that I wouldn't," he shrugged, "now I can see why."

I shot him a look, "what room?"

He hesitated.

"What. Room."

***
I had never run so fast somewhere in my entire life. I sprinted down the hallways crashing into about a billion different objects, including too many walls to count. The next day I had some great purple bruises. I burst into Johanna's room and she was sat on her bed. She'd dropped so much weight since I'd last seen her, black bag sagged beneath her now dull eyes, her skin was paler than the white of the hospital walls and her lips were cracked, like she was in desperate need of water. She looked hollow. She looked lost. Her eyes met mine and she tried to smile, but she didn't even have the energy for that.

"I look like shit, right?" she said, reading my obviously shocked face.

"You better tell me what's going on," I said, "right now. This isn't a joke."

"I'm getting addicted again," she shrugged, "the other night I had a nightmare and I woke up and I felt so numb Flaire, so fucking numb. It was like emotions didn't exist anymore and I didn't understand. Then I remembered how the morphine gave me feeling when I was ill and so I hooked myself up on some. And then some more, until it got out of hand and now I can't be without it. I'm scared if anyone takes me off I'll either have no feelings at all or too much pain to even bare."

"Why didn't you tell me," I said, biting back a sob, "I could've helped you."

She shook her head, "no, there are some things that can't be helped Flaire, this is one of them."

"Johanna," I whispered, "I can't have my best friend turning into a drug addict."

She looked at me, tears in her eyes, "Well out of the two of us it was always going to be me," she quoted.

I snivelled and smiled, "Liar," I replied, "we would do it together."

"I'm glad to have a friend like you."

"I'm glader."

That conversation we'd had when Johanna was addicted before, back when we'd only just made it from Snow's gasp alive, felt so far in the past yet so close to us still. Something magical happened, she began to laugh, Johanna's laugh, the beautiful laugh full of life. She looked at me the tears rolling down her face.

"Unhook the morphine then," she said, "we have to start somewhere."

"You're a brave soul," I smiled, my face wet. I carefully took her off the drug and sat back down, "how do you feel?"

"A little less numb now you're here and a little less in pain with your arms around me," she whispered.

The two of us held each other and cried until we were too tired to cry any more. We collapsed into each other, exhaustion overcoming our senses and letting us fall into a deep sleep.

***
The next day I awoke, intertwined in Jo's arms. I carefully moved from her gasp and crept out of the room leaving her asleep. I went back to my own hospital room, not knowing what to expect. Technically I'd been discharged yesterday so I wouldn't have been surprised to see another person in the room but I didn't. It was only Finnick waiting for me to return. He looked at me.

"She's trying to stop." I murmured, "she's scared but she's brave and she'll make it through, I know it."

"We'll be there to help her," he replied.

I nodded still feeling tired despite the full nights sleep if gotten.

"Come here sweetheart," Finnick said, his arms out wide.

I let my face merge into his chest feeling the gentle tickle of his lips grace the top of my head. I put my arms around him and let a silent tear trickle down my cheek. His arms crept around me and enveloped me from the world, like it was just us in a little safe cocoon away from anything that could harm us.

"Why the tears?" he asked, mostly likely feeling them seep into slowly to his clothes.

"I don't know how to feel," I admitted, "I know how I should feel. But I don't feel like that either."

"Talk to me then," he said slowly and quietly.

"It's over. It's all over," I whispered, "the fighting, the games, that was what we lived for. So who are we now?"

"We are Finnick and Flaire," he murmured, "two people madly in love who have fought a war for all too long but have finally succeeded. We are two people who need to move on from all the trauma Snow put us through, all the pain he enjoyed putting us in, we need to move away from it together."

"When do we leave?" I asked.

"Whenever you've packed," he replied.

"Let's go now then," I smiled, "I have all I need."

"And what's that?" he mused.

"The thing that's in my arms right now," I smiled softly, gazing into those sea green eyes.

"Oh yeah," he grinned, "and what might that be?"

"Love."

***
Thanks for sticking with this book my lovelies xx
Hope you're still enjoying ❤️❤️