I Want What I Can't Have

Arguments

I got up quickly and walked out ahead of Finnick. I couldn't bare to look at him in the eye, they were full of hatred towards me. I heard footsteps behind me and knew exactly what I was in for. I turned around to see him standing there.

"How could you?" he murmured.

"It's not like that," I said.

"Not like what?" he snapped.

"I don't want anyone else to die, but it's the better way," I explained, "otherwise the rebels will just kill everyone."

"That's what Coin tells you," he shook his head, "but she's lying. Don't you think the rebels will just kill anyway?"

"No, I don't," I snapped back.

"You hate that woman and now you decide to agree with her? At the worst possible time," he yelled.

"At least with this we can only kill a few and get some irony in there," I rolled my eyes.

"Irony?" he scoffed, "so that's what you're here for?"

"No that's not what I mean," I groaned.

"Wasn't our suffering enough for you? Or is pleasurable to see other go through it?" Finnick said.

"Our suffering broke every inch of me. And I didn't deserve that. I didn't deserve to be hurt in the way I did," I said, seeing red, "75 years of these games. 75 years. You know how many innocent kids died in that time? Not one from the Capitol, not one!"

"And why would we put innocent kids in that position again, from the Capitol or not?" he asked.

"They hurt us all," I said.

"But hurting other won't cure anything for us," Finnick said, "we'll probably just have another tonne of guilt on our backs."

"Why shouldn't I want revenge?" I said, "after all I've been through."

"Revenge? This is taking it to the next level Flaire," he yelled.

"The decision is made anyway," I rolled my eyes, "even if you did change my mind now, what good would it do?"

"It would prove to me the girl I fell in love with is still in there somewhere," he shouted, "where is she Flaire? Where has she gone because I'll go and get her right now!"

"What are you trying to say?" I screamed back.

"You've changed, the girl I used to know would've never wished her life upon anyone," he replied.

"People change," I yelled, laughing, "Snow changed me. And here I am. And I am angry and broken and still suffering."

"And the Capitol's children dying will set your heart free?" he asked.

"You know what?" I scoffed, "yeah, yeah it will. Problem?"

"No. I just didn't know I was going to be with a monster!" He spat.

It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. I took a step back, my heart physically hurting. I felt the tears in my eyes. Guilt was written all over his face.

"No, I didn't mean that Flaire, let me explain-"

"No." I said, "you fucked up. Really bad this time. You're with a monster? Okay. We're over. There, are you happy? You don't have to put up with a monster any longer, you fucking prick!"

I sprinted away, tears blinding my vision.

***
My body collapsed onto a cold floor somewhere. My chest stung with agony. How could he say that to me? How could he say anything like that to me? Couldn't he understand what I was going through? I thought he understood... my belly hurt from sobbing. My eyes felt sore and I just wanted the ground to swallow me whole. Just as I closed my eyes I felt a hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes to see Johanna.

"I could hear you from a mile away," she grinned.

"Not the times for jokes Jo," I sniffed.

"Oh..." she said, "yeah... are you okay?"

"No!" I exclaimed, "I'm the opposite of okay."

"What happened?" she asked, "I could feel the tension between you and Finn in that room..."

Finn. Even the name hurt now. I explained to her our whole fight, crying and blubbering even more as I rethought it. Am I really a monster?

"He's just being a dick," she shrugged, "you're not a monster."

"Maybe I am," I sighed.

"No, believe me, you're not," she said.

"When you're in an argument you blurt out what's on your mind. Well in his I was a monster," I said, "what does that say about me?"

"It only says that he's a loser boyfriend who really fucked things up," Johanna sighed, "he'll come around."

"Will he though?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said, "he always did when I was with him. We'd fight, then I'd sleep with him and we'd be back to normal."

"Johanna it's not the same," I groaned, "I'm in love with him."

"Well they say love always finds a way," she shrugged, "why so hopeless?"

"We've never been so angry at each other before," I said, "and I said it was over... I didn't mean that. What if he thinks I meant it?"

"Well if you said it, he probably does," Jo replied, "boys are stupid."

"No," I sighed, "I'm stupid. I shouldn't have agreed to this games."

"You also shouldn't change your opinion for your boyfriend," she pointed out.

"No but he has a point Jo," I murmured.

She said nothing and I realised everything. Finnick was right. Other people, more innocent people dying would not sew my broken heart back together, Snow dying wouldn't take back the tears and the bloodshed, a new games would not solve my constant battles with trauma and PTSD. The nightmares wouldn't suddenly run, the fear wouldn't be set aside, it would all stay right where it was. I could never be the girl I once was. The naive girl from District 8 before I was chosen for the games. I was wrong and he was right. Now he thought I'd broken up with him. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. The one person I loved in my stupid life and now that's gone too. So my mouth could only form four more words before I left Johanna:

"Fuck I'm so stupid."

***
I forgot how much I loved writing this book
Thanks for reading ❤️