I Want What I Can't Have

He's Not Right

I immediately looked at Johanna who was looking at me with the exact same expression.

"Peeta what do you mean?" I asked.

"What did they do to you?" Johanna added.

"I know all about her. How she tried to kill me, how I need to kill her... they showed me." He said.

"Peeta what they showed you wasn't real," I said softly, "you love Katniss."

"And Katniss?" He replied, "does she love me."

I glanced at Johanna who only shrugged a reply. Really helpful Jo!

"She does," I breathed.

"You're lying," he spat, "I know she doesn't, even without them showing me she wants to kill me."

"I don't know how she feels," I said desperately, "I'm not her am I?"

"No, you're not," he said calming down a bit.

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"I don't know," he whimpered, now crying. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I had said this once and I'll say it again, he doesn't and never will deserve this.

"Don't cry," I murmured.

"I'm so confused," he sobbed, "I don't know what's real anymore. But Katniss, she tried to kill me and you."

"No, she didn't, Snow did," Johanna said gravely.

"But I saw..." he began.

"It's all fake," she replied.

"You need to rest Peeta," I said, "maybe after you've slept you'll feel better."

He nodded slowly and tried to get comfortable on the cold, hard floor. I watched him in pity. Why Snow? Why torture him like this? Why do this to Katniss? She never asked for this...she never asked for it.

***
I didn't know what to do. I just sat and waited until the night was over. But the night was long. So so long. I watched as the other three slept soundly. I was jealous. Jealous that they could put their minds to rest and I couldn't. I watched as the day began to break. I could only imagine what I looked like at the moment. My hair a knotted mess, dark circles until my eyes and whips lashes decorating my skin. Like a big ugly monster. How I ever thought someone as angel looking as Finnick would ever like me I don't know. Finnick. My darling. My rock. My heart. And my soul. The man who saved me. The man who took care of me. The man who laughed with me. And the man who cried with me. I needed him.

Reeling me from my heavenly thoughts was the dreaded bang of the metal bolt on the door opening. They were coming. Who was their next victim? My heart jolted horribly in my chest as a peacekeeper beckoned me forwards. I slowly stood up as he quietly unlocked my cell. Oddly, he took my cold and bony hand in his gloved one and led me to the room that haunted me. It was my turn again. He didn't speak a word until we got in there, he'd locked the door and he'd disabled the camera on the wall. I looked at him confused.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, removing the mask that shielded him. He had a strong jawline and his hair was a dark brown. He had dark blue eyes and lightly chapped lips that quivered as he spoke, "I don't want to do this... but my family, my wife, my children, I have to. They will starve and die otherwise."

"I don't understand," I murmured, "why did you disable the..."

"He can't see me talking to you in the manor," the peacekeeper said, the worry in his eyes all too real, "he'll sack me or worse kill me and then my family will starve to death."

"But you live in the Capitol," I said.

"I wish," he murmured, "we live on the outskirts, poorer people tend to."

"I'm sorry," I sighed.

There was nothing he could do. It was either his family or me. And I understood that.

"No, no, no," he said, "don't you be sorry, don't you dare. I'm sorry you're here. I'm sorry I can't help. I'm sorry I can't stop this, but my family-"

"I get it," I said softly, "I'd do anything to get mine back."

"We can't talk any longer," he whispered, "if the cameras are off for to long he'll get suspicious."

"Okay," I agreed.

"I'm going to turn it back on and shout at you. You tried to disable it, got it?" He said.

I nodded, "I never got your name."

"Leo," he smiled.

"Thank you Leo," I smiled back.

"Okay, 3...2...1"

The camera was back on so I cowered in the corner as the man shouted some pretend insults at me, "How dare you disable the camera you stupid girl! You'll be getting double the punishment for that!"

"Please!" I cried, putting my best acting on.

He rolled his eyes and grabbed my arms. Even when he was being forceful the man was gentle. I did my best to resist but I eventually let him take me over to the table. He slowly brought out the syringe and jabbed it into my side. It wasn't nearly as painful as it had been the other times.

"Sorry," he whispered in the faintest of whispered as it was taken out.

I watched in horror as a little boy was brought in. He looked around 2 or 3 years old. He looked scared. He didn't know that I didn't want to kill him. He didn't realise that I wasn't the bad guy. I couldn't control any action. My hands grabbed onto a knife and I just began hurling them at the kid. Crying in the process. I couldn't stop it. I could never stop it.

***
Leo walked me back. He couldn't comfort me, because of all of the cameras. It was too risky out on the open. I understood that. I gave him a tentative touch of the hand as I was locked back into my cell. He left locking the bolt. CLANG. the noise rung out loudly almost burning my ears. I began to feel an overwhelming sense of sadness for humanity. What had this all come to? I realised we were still in the early hours of the morning as my eyes began to slowly droop downwards. I felt my body grow drowsy and heavy before I passed out from exhaustion.

***
LEO ❤️❤️
Don't ask me why I chose that name 😭😂
I don't even know,
Thanks for reading lovelies 💕💕