A Beautiful Confusion

Chapter 27. The Pits

It was official after years of friendship Andrew and I were no longer friends, I regretted it so much but I couldn't take it back what's done is done.

When I went to school I honestly didn't know what to expect, I kept wondering, what would the guys say? What would Andrew do? What would Iris say?

She's probably going to be pissed and not talk to me at all.

But I prepared myself for the worst case scenario. I decided to start by acting normal like nothing was wrong, because of this the squad didn't notice anything and Andrew wasn't there so there was nothing to notice. I also tried testing the waters with Iris to see if he told her, I tried basic communication like greeting which she responded to (though it was more of an acknowledgement of my presence then a greeting.), I tried to strike up a conversation but she gave short answers hinting that I should leave which confirmed my suspicion but of course in typical Cameron style I pressed on completely ignoring that fact like I didn't notice. I did that know that she knew that I noticed.

That's a cool play on words.

I knew it bothered her but I carried on because I was a little angry with the fact that Andrew was now hanging out with Iris full time.

A few squad members found out about our break up and some were not happy with it others didn't really mind, at the end of the day I managed to completely isolated Andrew.

Days passed and the squads attitude didn't waver, everyone was acting pretty normal which was a little annoying but you've got to hand it to them they never let anything spoil the mood. As the days passed I tried staying away from the group to let Andrew inter act with them more, nothing changed.

"This is a little too much, even for me." said Mikel.
"Well it was your idea!" I shouted.
"But I didn't ask you to treat like some game, you've completely closed yourself off."

True, I have been manipulating my situation for my own interest. When I really think about it I become disgusted with myself but before my thoughts go to far I just shut everything out, it's easier to deal with painful emotions that way.

"That's not dealing with emotions it's just pilling them up if you keep doing this you will end up drowning."
"Why do you always have to be against everything I say!!"
"Because I make you see reality, I'm not just some devil on your left shoulder whispering in your ear and encouraging stupidity!"

My little brother opened the door "Who you talking to?"
"No one." I threw my phone on my desk.
"Anyway, mom says it's time to go."

My mother had been trying to make me go to a therapist, I agreed to go to one just to get her off my back. I honestly regretted it, the guy kept asking about my childhood (what happens on TV isn't a lie).

Some how I started going more regularly and the more I went the more I was forced to do what I was avoiding, facing my issues.
I was feeling really down, I was questioning a lot of things, mainly my morals ( I wasn't sure I really had any).

I only spoke about my early childhood, when I used to play outside with all my friends and every day was just amazing. At first I did it to try show the therapist everything was fine but then I started to remember how good I felt talking about my friends so I fast forwarded to my current group of friend sand that just made me feel depressed because I ruined it. I ruined my perfectly good bromance for selfish reasons and to top it of I had the nerve to put my best friend in this situation. At that time I was thinking 'How will I ever forgive myself? How would he ever forgive me?'.