A Beautiful Confusion

Chapter 25. Fall

Once those words left my mouth I felt a little lighter. I did it, I actually confessed. This was the first time I have ever said those words to anyone and after I said them they kept repeating in my head.

I love you. 
I love you.
I love you.

I probably shouldn't have said I love you it seems like a little too much but that's what came out.

I love you.

After I said those words everything else was a blur, I remember there was a moment of silence and then I continued speaking. I can barely remember what I said.
I do remember that we started walking towards the school exit, I think I was going home and ended our conversation with some corny line.

"Will you be my partner because girlfriend is a too immature title"

Some nonsense like that.

The one thing I do remember clearly is that I asked her to hold off on her answer.

Stupid.

Time passed quickly after I asked Iris out, Ken went ballistic when I told him about it. He said and I quote: "I never thought you had the balls to actually do it."

I would feel offended if I wasn't thinking the same thing. I didn't tell anyone else about because if she rejected me I wanted to keep it quiet.

Sadly Ken was not of the same mind, he told most of the gents but in his defense I didn't tell him not to.

Life went on as it usually did, Iris and I were acting awkward at first but things brightened and we were our usually happy selves(which gave me hope).
I was my "usual" self at school but at home I wasn't getting any better.

Not that there were astronomical problems within my family, I just personally felt a little out of it. Charlotte tried cheering me up but it didn't do much and Mikel was all to happy to wallow in sorrow with me. My physical health seemed to be slowly deteriorating, I have backslidden in my studies and through all of this my only ray of light was that I could have Iris all to myself.

Time ticked and tocked, the seconds turned to minutes the minutes turned to hours and before I knew it a whole TWO WEEKS had passed and still. . . nothing.

Maybe it was because of my bad mood or maybe I was feeling really anxious or maybe it was because for the first time in my life I asked someone out and they were completely ignoring it, but for some reason I confronted her.

Cameron:
Do you have an answer for my question yet?

I did it in the middle of a conversation to make sure I got an answer.

Iris:
If you don't know the answer to that question then that solidifies my answer.

I will probably remember those words until I take my last breath.

And at that moment, I kinda felt like I did. I didn't cry like in the movies, I just felt disappointed and a little angry at myself and at her for giving such an answer which is absurd because I wanted an answer and now I am not happy that I got one.

My single ray of light, my beacon of hope was extinguished. That moment felt like I was plummeting into darkness.
And the sad part is that I wasn't plummeting into darkness, I was already in it to begin with.