THE JOCK JUST WANTS THE NERD [2]

31

||JACKSON||

With my mind jogging into scrambled thoughts, I couldn't help but replay that memory of when Ethan gave me a hug. Never in my life did I not want to let go of someone but that moment. It had been a while since I remembered what it felt like to embrace someone, more importantly, wrap my arms around the person who has my heart. Gah! I dropped my head on my steering wheel of my car after I had parked myself in front of the college dorms. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do, follow my feelings, or get my life straight? It pains me to neglect my emotions like this. I had remained in my car for a while now, pondering my next moves. I got out of my car first for some fresh air. Scanning my surroundings, I spotted a bench that sat beneath a great oak tree. Making my way, I took my seat and settled quietly to think. I felt like I was alone as if my journal was the only thing where I could express how I felt. I closed my eyes and just let the dusk's rays of light sink in. It felt peaceful, the leaves above me rustled and hardly anyone was around. One by one, my swirling anxiety began to lift as well as my messy thoughts though as if they were being swept away, cleaning my head. But within that clutter, an idea was found. I opened my eyes and considered. Maybe, I could talk to him one more time? Pulling out my phone, I opened my contacts and scrolled to look for his name. It had been a while, but bros gotta help bros too right? Once I found him, I didn't tap immediately but hovered my finger. I never thought that I would be doing this so early, and I didn't have the full confidence to do so yet, and it's only my friend that I'm telling to. But, if I want to be open and free, I have to start telling others soon. Staring at it, I winced and pressed the call button. My phone began contacting and alarmed a ringing sound. I waited, and the anticipation grew as each second passed. To my surprise, he actually picked up only after a few rings, "hey Jackson." It's been a while since I've heard his voice.

"Hey, Brad..." My voice sounded hoarse.

"What's up, dude? Anything okay?" He said.

"You got time to talk for a while?"

"Uhh... yeah actually, I just got done with my work here," he sounded calm and relaxed.

Okay, here it goes.

"So, umm... there's something I need to tell you..." I gripped my phone hard as I could feel my heart beating fast along with my straining lungs. Brad had stayed quiet, but I could somewhat tell that he felt the need to take this conversation seriously, "I..."

"Go on?" He murmured.

This is so weird. I knew what I had to say, but I couldn't spill it out. It was harder to "come out," than said, even if it's to close friends. "Shit..." I grumbled.

"Do you need time?" Brad sounded worried.

It was a damn struggle, but I managed to roar it out, "Brad...I'm gay!" I had no choice, I had to blurt it out or it would be stuck in my fucking throat. I couldn't believe it myself, those words were so horrifying. "I'm gay Brad... I'm gay..." I repeated, my voice faded as I heaved deep breathes. My hands trembled. He was quiet, quiet for a while where I was beginning to feel concerned. Then, his voice rang out, followed by a chuckle, then a loud laugh. I was confused, "bro, this isn't funny," I stupidly glared at my own phone.

After a while, his howls were beginning to die down, "I-is that what you're trying to tell me?"

"Yes! The fuck man..." I frowned.

"Sorry dude, I know how hard it is to get out of the closet. It's just that, I kinda knew," I could just imagine his smug grin.

"W-wait what?" I was wide-eyed.

"Bro, I fucking knew since last year. Well, Taylor knew it first, then Liam, Zack, and I had suspicions."

"How!?" I was legit baffled.

"You gave a bunch of hints that I later puzzled afterwards. I remember that one time you messaged me about what it was like when I came out-"

"That gave it away?"

"Well,  A few other things did, but yeah." Was I that open without even realizing it? "But let me tell you something, Jackson..." Brad continued,

"it's okay man, I'm okay with it, and I'm sure that others will be okay with it too. You're not alone. You can talk to me about it, maybe even Noah or James..."

I listened to what he had said. It showed me that even though after high school, after being separated to pursue our own paths, we still hold on to our friendships, "ah, thanks for talking to me about this Brad, I really needed it," I smiled softly.

"Also, since you're out now, I've been meaning to ask; is Ethan what makes your peepee hard?"

...

"How the fuck do you know about that too!"

-

After my conversation with Brad ended, I felt the weight from my shoulder lift, not all the way, but I can breathe a bit easier now. Telling the truth allowed me to feel better about myself. After so long, I don't feel as suffocated. As I stood in front of my dorm room, I opened it to see that Damian has the desk by the corner occupied, then I was subtly reminded by why I keep things secret. A sigh escapes my mouth. "Ah, hey dude," Damian gives me a smile and a wave before returning to his work.

Closing the door, I walked over beside him to check what he was doing, "is that your resume?" I stared at the document that he was preparing.

"Yep, gotta get that gym position, ya know?" He nodded. Seeing that he was focused on it, I nodded and went for my backpack. Peering back to check on him one more time, I pulled out my notebook, or my somewhat of a way journal, and a pen. Bringing myself and getting comfy on my bed, I pushed the button at the end of my writing utensil and started writing again.

"Hey, I'm back to scribble for my 5th entry now..."

And so I wrote down how I hung out with Ethan and Kyomi, learned more about him, how we hugged, and the talk I had with Brad-

More importantly Ethan.