You

i feel

I don't know if I would feel better if I cried I don't know if I felt better if I scream I don't know if I will feel better if I lit something on fire
Yearning for desire and attempt to not let it transpire

The simplest way is to say I want to feel wanted
To be in a crazy rush, filled with love and other mush.
But I'm here in bed, I'm crying
These tears I refuse to see meaning I'm lying to myself .
I am blunt and I keep it truthful
But why am I refusing to see the tears in the mirror while I'm smiling , getting ready for work or even a day off for a while.

I'm struggling, I'm working too much. Not focusing. Not spending enough time for me , or even the US.
And maybe it's my fault
I'm at fault maybe I don't deserve those flowers. Maybe I don't deserve the dinner dates and the doors being open for me.

Maybe that's how I'm bound to be in a life where I'm next to somebody but I'm always feeling lonely .

I was born into I never put myself first and I took care of everyone else regardless how I felt. But now I'm choking like my neck is caught on a leather belt. I don't sleep no more. I'm picking up clothes off the floor. I'm raising a child but I have no children.

I want to feel like I'm a woman. Like I can be treated nicely, not that I can't pay or do something my way but a day. A day where doors open for me , I don't have to lift a finger for anything, something sometime to feel like an actual lady ..that sounds crazy right ? Having the dreams for an actual day like that? 

I've sobbed enough and I'm going to now lay down and fall back on that.. stay in my corner where I'm good at .

Because I beg and I plead to be treated like somebody from my own family or my own honey.
Saying i matter and showing I matter are two different things but right now.

I need a moment to gather myself, my heart is tossed in strings and I, myself , right now am tired of feeling every freaking thing.