Counting Sheep

Ch. 38 - I Called To You and You Came

Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark. - George Iles

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June 13th

***

 I had taken a vacation day. I had taken a vacation day because of a nightmare. I had dreamt that Spencer was suddenly going to flatline today. Now I'm not superstitious nor do I believe in dream theory. But it was too lifelike, it was too real. I couldn't risk it. 

So at 5 am I had called my dad and told him everything, he gave me the day off. He tried to give me the whole week off when I started crying. I packed the kids up and drove to the hospital at 6. They slept next to him, curled around his unmoving body. 

I had fallen asleep with my head resting on his arm, my hand laced in his. The dull beeping of his heart in the background. 

Warm and sunny dreams in my head when I slept around him. 

I woke up to my phone ringing, I reached into my pocket to answer it.

"Agent Reid here."

"Hey kid, I'm just checking on you. Your dad let it slip why you aren't in today. He's gonna be okay, he's been through too much to stop now." I choked up at his words.

"I just couldn't lose him, Derek. I couldn't let him be alone."

"He's not going anywhere, kid. I know how stubborn he is." I swallowed hard and looked at Spencer's face. 

"It'll destroy me if he dies, I don't know if I'll be able to make it back from that." I heard a sniffle from Derek's end.

"I know how you feel, but it's not gonna come to that. You gotta stop thinking that way." I frowned and sighed.

"I have to, Derek. Someone has too. I don't want too, you think I want to be the pessimist here? I watched my husband get shot because some unsub thought he was doing me a favor. Whatever happens to JJ and Spencer is my fault, and I have no idea how to process that." The distressed tone in my voice woke up Simon, his sleepy eyes landed on me. He crawled over to me and laid down on my lap, his legs straddling my lap. 

"Max...kid no you can't really think this is your fault? That unsub was mentally ill, and he chose you for his delusion. None of that was you. You didn't take the gun and shoot them, the unsub did. The guilt is going to eat you alive, it will leave absolutely nothing left. Spencer would not want you to eat yourself alive like this. I thought I saw something in these last couple of months, but you are just so damn good at hiding things." I ran a hand through Simon's hair, his soft snores vibrating across my chest. 

"It already is eating at me, I've lost parts of me that I don't think I'm going to get back. I just need them to wake up already, I can't do this anymore. It's killing me..."

"Hold on, kid. He'll be okay and so we'll JJ. I'm gonna get back to paperwork now, call me if anything happens."

"Bye Morgan..." I hung up and placed my phone down. I grabbed Spencer's hand and I leaned back, letting darkness take over.

***

I ordered room service for lunch, I thought about taking the kids down to the cafeteria but the thought of leaving Spencer was too much.

"Yes, that's a grilled chicken kids meal and an Asian medley kids meal. Both of them should have chocolate milk and apple slices. Then I'll get a cup of minestrone with a side of white rice and apple juice. Thank you so much!" The cafeteria was used to us ordering now, the often slipped in a snack for the twins depending on who was working.