Besabriyaan

Chapter 33

C A B I R

Why does everything feel worse at night? Why do all the clouds in the night end up raining? Why's a simple no never heard and a silent yes always screaming? Why do so many questions arise and why are they never answered?

My car sped under the bruised and blooming night sky, deep purple and black. My thoughts collided inside my head as lowering the volume of the instrumental on the stereo, I speeded the accelerator up. There were moments where I realised how similar I had become to Manik; how many habits I copied from him. Sometimes I had his exact same body posture when sitting at the table during lunch, similar hand movements when I drove. And even though these moments were rare, they were the worst moments when ultimately I realised my thoughts were turning identical and as black as his.

The passenger seat beside vibrated with my phone ringing on it and I halted the car in the middle of nowhere I was driving. I sighed discerning the caller and immediately scared at the thought of Manik ever finding out things happening behind his back.

Next morning:

M A N I K

"It was fatal. You know right that you could die last night from overdose of your anxiety drugs?" My Doctor-cum-friend removed the machine off my bicep meant to read my blood pressure level.

"Good thing, I didn't die." I eyed Abhimanyu to pour me a fresh peg of scotch on the emptied glass before.

"Absolutely not." Abhimanyu's apprehensive motion stopped hearing my Doctor huff as he was about to pick the glass up and I rolled my eyes. Ignoring everything else, I fired up a fresh cigarette dragging the box out of my pocket adding another crime in the eyes of the man coiling his stethoscope.

"You should sometimes lead a normal life, you know Manik. Smoking and drinking since morning, gulping anxiety drugs though when unnecessary... how many times do I have to tell you, you're good without them?" He rambled scribbling something on a fresh prescription.

I leaned over the table capturing the cap of the whiskey bottle sitting at one corner of the table and drew it closer; uncapping which poured into my glass.

"I can't do without them, Doc, it's too late now." I smirked pressing the glass against my lips letting the rich bitter taste dance on my tastebuds making me feel alive all over again. My Doctor shook his head in disappointment mumbling something under his breath while my brows creased with sarcasm.

"You know what, Doc..." I rotated the glass in my hand viewing its sheer petite designs on the fine glass. "When you're unhappy, you drink in an attempt to forget the pain. When you're happy, you drink to celebrate. But when you feel nothing yet you drink it means you want something to happen." Sure my words delivered no sense to him as continuing to murmur under his breath, he focused on the white paper.

"Thing is, you only think you need them but you don't." He disapproved while I sighed before taking a larger sip.

As soon as he left, I reclined my back switching the button on the side of my couch and closed my eyes as my body somewhere felt weak from all the torture I did on it last night. Honestly, I don't remember gulping three anxiety drugs last night but the effect they had on my body screamed that it was true.

Last night.

The hardest part was waking up in the morning remembering what you were trying to forget last night. I tried to scare and send her away.. she was supposed to stay away then why did my tongue end up in her mouth!

For once, I felt connected. To the music I never knew I know. To the lights that danced in tune with her shadow. And for that one moment, I didn't feel alone. And suddenly, my fingers ached to memorize her body, the gentle dip of her hip, the soft skin beneath her jaw. Everything and more.