the stars were in your eyes 💫 - poetry

today i am 10 years old

☆

today i am 10 years old

it's my last day in school
everything is scary

today we write letters
to our future selves
about our fears and our hopes
the things we can't wait to see
and the things we are scared of
the things we are sorry for and will miss
but also the happy times
the ones we can't forget

everything feels bittersweet

soon i'll leave everything i know behind
and move onto something else
something new, something unknown

but today i will smile
i will be with my friends
i'll have a warm hug from my family
i'll be okay

today i am 11 years old

it's my first week in school
everything is scary

today we write letters
to our future selves
about what we hope to come from this year
and also at the end of our 5 years here
what we hope to accomplish
and hope to improve on
about what we are grateful for
and what scares us
after all this is an overwhelming change

everything feels different

but today i will smile
i will meet new friends
and i will learn new things
i'll be okay

today i am 13 years old

it's been a month since lockdown started
everything is scary

today i decide to write a letter
to my friends and my family
about everything i am thankful for
about how much i love them
and how i am sorry
about how i wished i had done more
about how i tried to be a better person

everything feels painful

but today i will smile
i will hug my family
i will speak to my friends
i will say my goodbyes
they will be okay

today i am 15 years old

i'm back at school now
everything has changed

today i decide to write a letter
to myself
about my future
about how i hope to be happy
and to be healed
to be okay
how i hope i can read these one day
and i will be able to look back on them

everything feels sad

but today i will smile
i will speak to those i love
i will sit with my music
and i will think

today i am 17 years old

i'm getting ready for my 2nd year of college
everything is overwhelming

today i do not write
but i find my old letters
from when i was 10, 11, 13, 15

i sit and i cry
about the words i wrote
and the way i felt
my heart breaks

everything feels hazy

today i don't know who i am
everything is different

but i know i will go out and discover for my 10 year old self
and i will be less afraid for my 11 year old self
i will find a reason to stay and to be a little happier for my 13 year old self
i will find a way to heal for my 15 year old self

and for me now, for my 17 year old self
i will put down the pen and paper
and i will stop writing that letter

because today i find a reason to not give up
i find a reason to heal her
i find a reason for her to say she made it another year
because she is here now
because if she found it when she didn't think she could make it past 13
she can find it again

so today i am me
i am 17 years old

today i will not be writing that letter
today i will be happy
today i won't say goodbye
today i may not see a way to carry on
but i will not seek for a way out