𝐈𝐧 𝐌𝐲 𝐒𝐨𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐮𝐝𝐞 (𝒈𝒙𝒈)

𝐗𝐗𝐈𝐗 𝐍𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝

𝐃𝐫𝐞𝐚 (𝐓𝐖: 𝐒𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐦)

Okay, so last night was a a blur. All I can remember were stars, Emma's situation, and me thinking I liked her. Which, I don't. I was too caught up in the moment, and just assumed. There's no way I liked her, she's a very dear friend to me. One of my very little friends. And I cannot afford to lose a dear friend. Not again.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when Maybel called my name. We are now currently packing our stuff, sadly.

"Have you taken your pills Dre? You seem off... More unfocused." Maybel said, concern laced in her eyes.

I let out a small yawn, "I did, thanks. Just didn't get much sleep I guess." I shrugged her worries off and proceeded with folding my clothes. Emma woke up way earlier than me so she already packed her stuff and is now reading a book in the living room.

"Alright. What did you do last night anyway?" Maybel suddenly asked. I paused for a moment before remembering what happened last night. Heat rose up to my cheeks with the memory of honey brown eyes staring at me.

"Oh, not much... Just late night talks is all." I shrugged nonchalantly, once again brushing away this conversation.

"Okay seriously, what's gotten into you? Tell me Dre, you know you can count on me." Maybel said sincerely.

"I don't know... We talked about her family and some serious stuff, mostly private." I said, now done with packing.

"Whatever you say." Maybel finally dropped the subject. I don't even know why I'm avoiding that topic.

We got out and Emma was curled up on the couch, a book in hand. She was wearing some white sweatpants and a brown hoodie. Her hair tied up in a neat bun, and looks like she's absorbed in the book. Pretty.

"Alright, are you ready to go Em? The car is waiting for us." Maybel informed her.

"Oh yeah, let me grab my stuff." Closing the book she was reading, she went to our room. After several seconds she returned and we all bid farewell to the maids.

...

So, I wasn't openly avoiding her, no. I just thought that a little distance between us will calm my racing heart whenever she gets close. It's perfectly normal. I mean, sure we have an awkward gap between us in the back seat, sure we're avoiding each other's gazes, and sure there's this weird tension in the van, but otherwise, things are pretty normal.

"Okay that's it, I'm moving seats." Maybel declares as she tried to squeeze into the front seat. The van was packed with all our stuff so it was necessary for the three of us to seat next to each other. Well... Maybel was actually on the left window side of me practically begging for air because the gap between me and Emma left her with no space. And I didn't want her to be touching me, nope. So she sat right by our luggage with a lot more space than she had before.

So now the tension was worse with just me, Emma, and the gap between us. It was just silent, I was looking straight into the window and Emma is playing with her hands. I took quick glance of her every few minutes and sometimes I catch her eyes doing the same. Somehow, it made me smile and a warm feeling begins to dwell in the pit of my stomach.

But at the same time, it made me feel guilty because I was the one who is causing the awkwardness. Right after hearing her vulnerable side I chose to distance myself all because of this weird feeling I get when looking at her. How selfish and twisted is that?

(𝐓𝐖!!)

This feeling start to take over as my leg starts shaking and my breathing gets deeper. I try to scratch my hand with my nail to ease the intensive feeling of bitterness. I closed my eyes and repeated it.

You're so selfish you know that?

I know.

His raspy voice still lingers in the back of my mind. And each time he appears I always agree with what he says. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it. He's always right. Especially at times like this. I squeeze my eyes shut and try to calm my breathing. At a moment of desperation I scratched my finger s little too hard and the pain struck. But it felt satisfying, I felt like I got what I deserve, but a small scartch was nowhere near it. When I was about to do it again, warmness enveloped my arm. It felt like a touch of serenity as soft hands parted mine, avoiding further damage.

"It's okay." Emma whispers as her hands held mine. As I opened my eyes only then did I notice the tears dripping down my cheeks and my heavy, erratic breathing. My hands were shaking and drops of blood ran across my fingers to my arm. Then the pain settled in as it began to sting.

I look up to see her distraught figure. Strangely though, even with panic clearly in her eyes and deep concern laced on her expression, she looked so pretty with that pink gloss on her plump lips. She also wore a little bit of mascara, not too noticeable. Her beauty seemed effortless and natural.

What's even more strange was that the panic in her eyes didn't affect the way she handles the situation. Very calmly she held my hand as her other grabbed a tissue from her bag. She gently wiped off the blood from my fingers. We did not have a bandaid because the first aid kit was in the back, so she wrapped my wounded fingers with her green handkerchief and held it not too tightly but enough to make me feel warm and fuzzy. Still though, even with clean hands she couldn't take away the guilt brewing in my chest.

And with a silent voice I whisper, "I'm sorry." She just held on tightly for assurance.

We sat in silence, a more comforting one. Until she spoke.

"What's the matter? D-Did I do something wrong?" I did not expect her voice to tremble that much. When I looked at her she was already looking at me, teary eyed. Immediately my other hand reached her face.

"No, no, don't you ever think that. I'm sorry- it's me. I just remembered something... Unnerving." I say in the most calming way possible. I wiped her stray tears away. She sniffled and I hugged her, tightly. It's a good thing that Maybel was already sleeping in the front. She is a heavy sleeper.

"Emma, you are so precious to me. You're so mature, pretty, kind, and everything more." She finally smiled at this. "You bring me comfort that I never knew I needed. And- I'm so lucky to have you as a friend." Her expression changed for a split second, one I could not recognize, before smiling widely and hugging me once more.

"Thank you, Dre. I feel the same way. You're a great friend." Somehow that didn't seem quite right. I felt this weird.. unsatisfied feeling in my chest but I just brushed it off. I'm thankful to have her as a friend.

Just a friend.

𝐀/𝐍: Hey guys! Haven't updated in a long time. But I am so shocked to see how we are almost reaching 1k readers!  Thank you so so much for all your support. I love you guys!!
-B