Instincts (A Loki Fanfic)

A/N

(A/N: A reader contacted me about wanting to end their life. I didn't- Well, I still don't know what should've been done. But this is what I wrote, and I am sincerely hoping that ya'll comment and realise that supporting each other is so important in this day and age. I beg of you to live. Even if it's just waking up every other day until you can face the world again. Keep going. Your life matters SO much.)

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(I don't know you. To be honest, I don't know any of my readers farther than a username. Maybe a few comments, or we've exchanged brief words like now. I am in no position to give you personal advice, and I can only encourage you to talk with another adult about the problems you're facing. A teacher, a religious leader, or even your neighbor. If they have their own kids(any age) they'll understand and should be able to give you support. )

But... no. Don't give up. Do not give up. Life IS worth living, even if today isn't. Even if this week, this month, this year isn't. Live because your future self will thank you.

I've struggled with Depression for as long as I can remember. No one believes me irl, and it creates tension in my family leading to many fights. But that's okay. I've learned to take on much more maturity than I probably should've growing up. But my story does not define me. It doesn't. And yours doesn't define you. Right now, this moment, it doesn't define you.

Life is hard. And it is only going to be more difficult down the road. There will be breakups, and cheaters, and people who'll use you then leave you for nothing. I'm not talking about strictly romantic relationships, this can happen between friends, family, and parental figures. But know that you can leave.

At any time, there are many organizations who will help you. You might not think it's a 'big deal' but trust me, if anything is happening without your consent, or you feel unsafe at home, it IS a big deal. Google has a number of resources, and remember that hotlines are designed to help you. If you call the wrong one, ask for who you should be calling. They'll help you.

I would suggest looking into coping mechanisms for depression. To each their own, but typically having something to remind you of hope helps. A few that work for me are imagining a future away from the trouble, planning steps I can take now, and of course: writing. Go outside! Breathe! Live! I hope this helped :)

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Guys, gals, and non-binary pals, life is real. It is, and always will be. There is no short-cut or simple solution to fixing everything magically at the snap of your fingers. People will die. People will hurt you. And there are times your will be sad, or anxious, or generally not at your best self.

But there are times that you remember THIS is why you went through all of that. There will be times that you look back and say "You know what? I see why I had to go through that to get to where I am today." Don't die. Don't. Please, keep living. There is so much more to this world than you know yet. You deserve so much more than you have now.

I'm gonna come clean. My life is not perfect- hell, far from it. I get in fights. I forget to have lunch. I'm so afraid of what my family thinks that I don't let myself sing in the shower. I quiet myself in real life just to scream online. I've spoken with only 1 friend since I moved. It's a fight to fall asleep before 3am. And my self-esteem is almost non-existent. But guess what else?

I love my sense of style. I love inventing. I love creating big expressions splattered with paint or ink. I'm smart. I'm pretty. I'm young. And I am fighting to accept myself, even if no one else will. I am trying to stitch my life back together, my self-esteem back together. I am obsessed with science, and hope, and wonder, and everything that makes us human. I love the way I make goofy faces in the mirror like some twisted version of Jim Carrey.

And I may not know how I'll end up. I have no idea, and the thought of the future used to make me shake and cry because I had no idea where I would be. Where I even wanted to be.

Well guess what? It doesn't matter. I can always change my mind. I don't have to know now, tomorrow, in a year- ever! I don't ever have to decide something so big as my life, which has an average of 50+ years left, before I've even owned my own house. I might know a lot, but I know shit when it comes to real-life.

And that's okay. I don't have to know now. I don't have to figure everything out today. Hell- most people at 40 are still figuring out what they want! And you don't either. You're allowed to be confused, and messy, and change your mind every other day. People drop out of college and go on to own multi-million dollar companies. People leave their countries, learn to really express themselves, and live life exactly how they want to.

You are allowed to change. You are allowed to scratch and bite and claw your way up. My family is split. Half of my relatives have worked solely for other people, biting their tongue and never reaching for anything more. That's fine, it's their life. They can do what they want, how they want.

But when those who chose to never try, to never risk anything more than the minimum, force their 'wisdom' or 'advice' on those who ARE striving? Who want more? That's not help. It's not. You are made for so much more than the bare minimum. So much more.

If you want proof of people who've climbed, research the founders of Shark Tank: Daymond John, Robert Herjaveck, and Barbara Corcoran to name a few. Or Alex Honnold, the protagonist of the documentary 'Free Solo'. Even J.K. Rowling, who had depression but went on to sell hundreds of millions of books? What would have happened if any of them let their stories, their problems, the hurtful words of people close to them, the places they started define them? The world would be all the lesser for it.

Find reasons to love yourself. Truly love yourself unconditionally. I love that I'm both Bi and a Christian. Yes, we do exist. Religious Queerfolk do exist! Love yourself for who you are, how you are, and where you came from. Because you can't change what you are. You can change how you act, and your perspective, and your opinions, and everything else.

Let me put this in perspective, for all of you who've read thus far. If you found Loki crying on his room floor muttering about how vile a creature he is, how horrible his life is, how horrible he's been treated, and how horrible his life started, what would you do? Well most Y/N's would try to console the poor Jotun, reassuring his doubts and trying to raise his self-esteem. So why is it that when you are crying, and screaming, and shaking in anger or depression or fear; that you don't validate your feelings as you would Loki's? As you would do with anyone else?

You are important. You have the potential to be anyone you want, in any region of the world. Live, and be your favorite self. Not what others want, not what you're expected, but your favorite self. Because guess who has to spend every second in your body? Every second of life is spent with yourself, so make sure you can learn to enjoy it.

Love. Breathe. Live. Trust. And do try to see sunshine every once in awhile.

You matter.

(Songs for hope:

Hold on - Riley Clemmons

You Matter - For King And Country

Fight On, Fighter - For King And Country

Beautiful - Mercy Me)