Indifference (boyxboy)

26. Just Selfish

Ryan

I lay on my bed staring at my ceiling. I felt like shit.

I mean, it wasn't uncommon for me to feel like shit, but I'd never felt like this kind of shit before.

Elijah was hurting because of me, and that caused a pain worse than any punch I'd ever received.

He was too good for me though. I'd realised that the moment he'd heard me losing my shit on the phone the other day. What must he have thought? When I lost it, I was like a wild animal, with only one goal - destruction.

What if one day I turned that destructive force on Elijah? It was rare that I ever lashed out physically at people, but I'd hurt members of my family in the past because they just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Like when I slammed the door on Nate's face and broke his nose, (I swear, I didn't know he was following me) or the time I hurled a chair across the room and it bounced off the wall and hit my mum on the back of her head. That had scared me.

What if I hurt Elijah like that? I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive myself. And I'm certain Elijah wouldn't forgive me.

So maybe it was better if I kept my distance from him. Except it was hard. Especially when I saw Billy walking up to him in a threatening way. I didn't even think through what I was doing. My body automatically went to protect him.

But then I panicked and snapped at Elijah before walking off. I didn't even ask him what was wrong, and he looked really unwell.

I looked down at my hands and realised I was clutching onto Elijah's tie, like it was some sort of fucking lifeline.

When had I got so fucking needy?!

I hurled it across the room, then quickly shuffled after it and put it back under my pillow. I really did originally keep it there so that Nate wouldn't pinch it. But now he'd revealed he knew my hiding place, I really had no excuse, except I liked it when I put my hand under my pillow at night and felt it there.

I reached over and grabbed my guitar to try to distract myself. I plucked at the strings, making up a melody, humming along as I repeated sections that sounded good.

It was only when someone started whistling along outside my room that I realised my melody wasn't as original as I thought.

"God damn it!" I cursed as the door opened and Eddie walked in, singing,

"Look what you do to me,

I'm singing out of key,

Ooo baby baby, I'm dancing with a stranger"

"Fucking idiot," I grumbled at Eddie and his made up lyrics.

He may have burst my bubble that I was successfully writing a hit song, but actually I was really pleased to see him. It was the first time he'd been round since he was outed, and I was glad to see he was still in one piece.

"How's my favourite cuz," he said, flopping down on the bed next to me.

I carefully put the guitar down away from where it might get harmed.

"Hungry."

Eddie laughed then pulled a twix bar out of his pocket.

"Sweet!" I said, before taking it off him eagerly.

I opened it up and took out one bar before offering the other back to Eddie.

"Nah, it's fine, you can have both," he said.