Infidelity

35

This chapter is dedicated to STemeki

The next day...

"I know you're not sleeping."

I hear Sphe's voice. She must've have been on tiptoes as she walked in because I didn't hear a single thing.

"Africa your eyes must be so tired from all that squinting," she says. "It's just me, I promise there aren't any Testosterone high monsters. No people with 'Y' chromosomes and I might not judge you."

"You might not judge me?" Open one eye and completely shut the other.

"You're such a bad actor. Aren't lawyers supposed to be good actors?" We both burst out in laughter and I realise how much I missed her and all her loud and annoying energy. Thinking about actually makes me feel sad but I try to hide it.

"I'm not supposed to act, I'm supposed to be good at my job." I defend myself to deflect the sadness I'm feeling. I'm aware if the gaping hole that tugs at all the ends of my heart.

"All good actors studies law. So I'm right and you're wrong." I notice her big belly as she bounces around. I wish I felt that amount of warmth for who's inside me but instead I get emotional flactuations.

"When are you due." I subconsciously rub my belly and she notices.

"A few days, a few weeks. I opted for not knowing. I want it to be a surprise. It's going to be a surprise even if I do know." She rambles on.

I break down in tears.

"Hey..." She hugs me and pats my back.

"I thought I wouldn't conceive. I got reckless..." I sob uncontrollably.

"Does he know?" She asks me.

Honestly I don't want to think about my situation. I want her to tell me everything is going to be okay but that's not Sphe. Sphe will tell you how to make things okay. She's more of a hands on person.

"Of course he knows. He's the stalker of the year." I break away from the hug land wipe my tears. That's what she's going to tell me to do anyways.

"I don't get it. Your life seemed to be picking up. What happened?"

"I don't know. The sex was good, I guess."

"Please don't bullshit me." She rolls her eyes. "That's what you tell  Sandile to hurt his feelings, not your best friend."

I force tears into my eyes but it's actually a stupid attempt at fooling the one person who knows me better than I know myself.

"Have you been going to therapy?"

"I been busy..." I choke.

"Africa..." She covers her mouth with her hand. "You quit a long time ago even before he came along. He's the most dangerous drug and I , your best friend didn't even see it."

"It's not your fault. I don't know...I don't know how I got here but he made me feel so good. I'm not innocent I used him, too. No pun intended..."

"But the pun fits." Sphe finishes adds on to my sentence and we laugh through tears.

"Look at us, pregnant by people who don't love us." She says.

"That couldn't be more farther than the truth. Keletso loves me. He loves me enough to go to jail for me. He loves me enough to give away his children to Sandile. Even if I don't love him at all..."  The guilt I feel is accentuated by the fact that I'm carrying his children.

"Children?" She is astonished.

"Twins." I nod.

She's at a loss for words.

"I loved Sandile but I was never enough for him, that made me question his love for me. He said we can start over but these children will never be enough. He will treat them the way he treats their father." I don't know why I'm telling her this.

"You don't love him anymore?" She manages to finally speak after a few moments of silence. Her mind is clearly elsewhere.

"The moment I dragged Keletso into my flat, it was long ago over. If I loved Sandile that much..." I don't have the words to explain how I felt.

"But you didn't love Keletso either."

"I wanted some excitement and I guess I sniffed a little too much. He gave me such a rush. The euphoria that came with it." I breathe out after a long sniff.

"Now you're alone and pregnant."

I don't miss the sarcasm and I actually find it quite amusing.

"At the very beginning of my career." I snort. "I was supposed to be leading the breakthrough case of my career but instead I banged the main suspect and he gave himself up out of sympathy."

I match Sphe's energy.

"You wanna know what's the worst case scenario?" She asks but I already know the answer.

This is basically a rhetorical question. The worst case scenario is my dad. I haven't spoken to him in a while aver the phone. I've been sending text messages. I've been afraid that my voice will give me away as soon as I hear his.

I don't care if my boss finds out that I'm involved in a conflict of interest scandal. My dad is my main priority.

And you also don't care about getting an income because your jailbird boyfriend is going to support you with blood money.

I try to ignore my subconscious but I know, deep down that it's the truth.

Another truth is that I miss him so much. I miss my rush. I miss the high. The truth is that I'm an addict and I now function like one. I just want my fix and I don't care how I get it.