Infidelity

31

It's a long ride back to my apartment.

I find Sphe sprawled out accros the floor. She's leaning painfully on the couch. I feel bad for the couch and she is a sore sight.

She's on her second tub of ice cream and my stomach churns. I hope I don't throw up, I'm not in the mood for gaging.

"What's wrong?" I don't ask out of concern. I'm only hoping that hearing her problems might distract me from mine.

I try to convince myself that I'm still a good friend nonetheless. My subconscious just turns her back on me, giving me the silent treatment.

She points at her swollen belly bump and her feet.

No distraction here.

"I like this baby already. It's the only person who has managed to hold you down." I giggle.

"She!" She snaps at me but I don't mind it. It must the hormones.

"You had a gender reveal without me. I'm hurt." I dramatically fake a heartache.

"No. I'm just not very fond of boys right now so I'm hoping it's a girl." She licks the spoon.
"You want some?" She offers me the tub.

"I thought you'd never ask." I slump myself besides her.

It's a difficulty to swallow the first mouthful. The second one doesn't even reach my tastebuds as I feel everything rising up.

I clasp my hand on my mouth tightly as I make my way to the bathroom.

I  vomit continuously until I wonder if it's ever going to end.

"You're gonna make me sick so I'm gonna bounce."

I hear Sphe from the door and I just give her a thumbs up. My face is buried in the toilet.

When I am done, I crawl towards the wall and lean against it whilst sitting down. My stomach is empty and I feel so weak.

"Where were you?"

I can tell that Keletso is furious but I just don't have the energy for his attitude.

"You're not my father." I don't meet his heated gaze.

He lets out a deep breath.

"Were you with your boyfriend?" He sounds like a person who knows something he shouldn't.

"Was I a target?" The words roll off my tongue like I'm asking what's for breakfast.

The question catches him off guard. I watch intently as his face changes. All the hard features become soft and his eyes betray him.

"Yes..." He breathes out.

My tears are warm against my skin as they roll down.

"...and that girl?" I've lost all my composure.

"She was too but I can fix this. I have turned myself in and I'll strike a deal..." He looks so vulnerable and desperate.

He's clutching at straws.

"You only turned yourself in because you found out Sandile's brother has been investigating you!" I shout at him.

"Don't say his name!"
"That's not the point!"

"The point is that, I did for you, for us..." He's running out of lies.

"You don't get it."
"What don't I get?"

"I'm pregnant." I was hoping the confession would free me but I feel more trapped now that I've told him.

He looks at me with teary eyes. Bewildered and confused. He is at a loss of words. The anticipation is slowly killing me.

"Shit!" That's all he manages to say.
"Shit what? Say something please!"

"I messed up. Why didn't you tell me sooner? You can't do this alone. I thought if you were the one to prosecute me, it might be easier for you to process everything..." He keeps on pacing up and down, annoying me even further.

"What? Why do you have this constant need to control my life?!" I can't contain my anger.
"Because I love you and I have to protect you."

"From what? You?" I intentionally ignore his declaration.

"All I know is that I can't let you do this alone. You won't manage." He's much more calmer now. I guess he had been dying to confess his feelings all along.

"I was raised by a single dad, I think I'll manage just fine." I snap at him.
"Really, with the way you turned out?"

Him doubting my capabilities and insulting my father in the process makes me want to hurt him so I go all out.

"How did I turn out, huh? Pregnant by a drug dealing and human trafficking criminal that I'm not in love with?" I know it's below the belt but I don't care. No one gets to disrespect my dad and get away with it.

He is defeated. With just one blow, he sinks to the floor quietly. He leans against the wall I'm facing.

He's quiet and I feel victorious. I know all he wanted was for me to love him the same way he does me. He's never felt this way before, I know it very well.

The feeling terrifies him, it makes him giddy and joyous inside. It even confuses him in some instances. It makes him question his morals and his entire existence. It makes him want to change, compromise and sacrifice.

I know that feeling very very well but I feel nothing for him. He's just a drug. A fix. He's here to distract me from my problems and I've been using him, so I am as guilty as he is.

"I'll turn myself in completely. You can raise the kid with him." He finally speaks. There's a deep sadness in his tone.

He leaves.

I sit there, hours and hours pass.

What have I done?