Infidelity

32

If you were to ask me how I got here, I wouldn't know how to tell you. It only seems like yesterday when I knew how to smile. But the nostalgia seems so far away, so out of reach. These children they deserve so much more.

"Please get up." Sphesihle begs me for the millionth time.
"One more minute. Please." I pout.

"You've been here all morning."
"Since yesterday actually"

"And that makes it all better, right?!" She shouts into my ear.
"Not so loud." I cringe away from her.

"Good. You need all the motivation you can get. Well atleast tell me what he did to you." She sits next to me.

"I know you don't like him but not everything is about him." Honestly I don't know how I'll narrate the story of my humiliation.
"I need to teach you how to lie." She doubles over in laughter.

"It's not a lie."

She ignores my statement. She gets up and drags me by the legs.

"You're pregnant, you're gonna hurt yourself." I tell her.
"We're as strong as an ox." She let's go of one of my legs and rubs her belly.

She succeeds in dragging me to the shower. Unaware of her intentions, I find out when the very cold water drenches me.

I curse under my breath.

"If you're not going to talk, you're going to shower and go to work." Her lips curl into a creepy grin.

Work.

I can't go to work. Work reminds me of my crumbling life. The mess I've made without the knowledge of how I'm going to fix it.

"I knew it!" Sphesihle interrupts my reverie.

"What?! What did I say?" I can't have her finding out about the pregnancy. Sandile should hear it from me.

"You said his name. What are you hiding?"
"Nothing." I'm too quick to respond and I regret it immediately.

She gives me a 'really now' look and I look away from her.

"Have you been going to therapy?" Even though she changes the subject I know her mind is still on it.
"Not consistently."

Another lie.

"Africa..."
"Please can you ease up on the lectures. It's too much okay. I just need to breathe. Even if it's just for a minute. You're pregnant for a married man who happens to be your lecturer and not your boyfriend but am all up your business?! No! So just leave me alone." I regret the outburst when I see her crying. Sphesihle is not one to cry. I guess this pregnancy is changing her.

"I'll leave the keys..." She doesn't finish her sentence. The keys drop out of her hand and she leaves.

I don't feel like getting up so I don't run after her.

I stay there for the rest of the day, falling in and out of sleep.

After falling asleep once more, I wake up to a pair of feet standing astride my legs.

"Is this it? You're going to stay here and feel sorry for yourself?" Keletso is exuding frustration but I couldn't care less.

"How did you get in here? Oh I forgot you're the notorious stalker." I stare up at him, making sure that each word is venomous. He's unphased nonetheless.

"Oh for heaven's sake, stop being childish. You're a mother so act like it."

I laugh at him.

"What are you doing here?" I ask him.
"You weren't at work so..."

"So you decided to use your very impressive skills." I grin at him.

His jaw clenches and I revel in the effect. However he calms himself before speaking.

"I wanted to know if you've made a decision." He emphasises the last word.
"Does this look like a decision-making situation?" I motion at my surroundings. " I thought had already made your decision."

"Exactly my decision is already made. But of course you don't want to grow up. Everyone has to think for Africa. Tell her what to do please she is lost." He breathes out heavily through his nostrils.

I have no counter words so I just look at his feet and mine. I'm quite sure he's smirking right now. Towering over me and very proud of his victory.

"What, cat caught your wagging tongue?" He sounds amused. It makes me remember the good old days. Only they were not good. They were riddled with lies and unrequited love.

"I want them to know you." I don't look at him.
"Huh?"

I smile. So he was also lost in thought. This is promising, he isn't entirely mad at me.

Wow!

I deprive my subconscious of the attention she is so desperately canvassing for.

You're thinking about sex when you're in such a predicament?

I roll my eyes at her.

You make the devil's sins look like a footnote.

The only devil I know is towering over me. I know it's wrong but I want him to devour me and wrap around in sin until I forget everything. He's my ecstasy but I don't know what I am to him. I can be whatever he needs, even if it's just for a few minutes. He's all my needs, wants and desires all in one.

But life doesn't want that for me.

I look up at him and I immediately recognise what I see. The lust in his eyes draws me in. He bends over so he can be face to face with me. For a moment I think he's going to kiss me but he just parts his lips to speak.

"I may have forfeited my child but that doesn't mean I don't care. If you want to be reckless, that's on you. Normalise locking the door because if something happens to my child... All hell will break loose." The threat dancing on his lips contradicts the look in his eyes.

My mind returns to me a few moments after his leave. Reality hits and I realise I'm alone. Everyone is gone and it's all my doing.