Infidelity

25

The noise faintly begins in my head. It's as if I'm dreaming. I don't feel like waking up. The noise gets louder and louder until I realise that someone is banging on my door. Why don't they just break it down, I don't really care anymore.

I finally get up. My irritation is amplified as I groan in annoyance. My toe collides into the corner of something and I just get more mad at the person who's  knocking. 

"What do you want?!" I say as soon as I've yanked the door open.

He just stares at me, dumbfounded. He loses his composure as he takes a deep breath. 

"Are you here  for  a breathing contest?" I huff.

He clears his throat as his eyes move up and down, obviously motioning at my body. I investigate with my own and at this moment, I just want to die. I'm only wearing Sandile's boxers.

"Oh shit!" I exclaim. I search anxiously around the room for something to cover myself with. 

Keletso gently reaches for my hand and he hands me his hoodie. I don't know why I wish he also took off his T-shirt. My hormones must be raging. This hoodie smells too much like him.

I can't look at him. 

Could've been your dad or worse. At least it's this dark chocolatey hunk.

My subconscious is out of line, but she is right. It could have been worse. 

"We have to talk" He says calmly.

"Talk about what?" I feign ignorance.

He takes a deep breath, obviously annoyed. He's still keeping his cool though.

"I know why you left last night. In actual fact, you have to choose." Okay, straight to the point.

"I'm late I can't do this right now." You are a runner after all. My subconscious mocks me and I can't even begin to protest because she's hitting the nail on the head and it hurts so bad.

"It's not even 5 am," he says calmly.

"let me get this straight. You woke up super early so you would have more time to argue with me?"

"I'm not arguing. I'm being honest, so should you." I hate that he's so damn calm right now and I'm arguing with myself. It makes me look irrational, unreasonable and crazy. I hate him.

"Well in that case I want to sleep," I say to him.

"Stop picking statements and don't you dare change the subject." 

"I'm not. I just want to sleep and so should you." 

His lips twitch a bit. So he's denying himself a smirk. Well that's his loss.

"I'll wait for an answer," He says and he leaves.

                                                                    ***

After class I head straight to work. I remind myself that I soon need to plead my case to the  university. That's something I'm not looking forward to.

I find Sandile at the bar and I just want to disappear. I really need this job and from my point of view he is only just a customer, so I'll treat him as one.

"How can I help you?" I ask him playfully. I hope he's still not mad at me.

"I spoke with Keletso," He begins to speak and my breathing stops. The idiot sold me out. "Relax, we didn't fight this time. We chatted a bit and he's right. You have to choose." he sounds like he knows that I'll automatically choose him.

Won't you?

I don't know how I'll answer my subconscious. I don't want to choose but I also know that I can't have my cake and eat it.

"So it's 'gang up on Africa' day, today?" My firing back backfires. It doesn't come out as confidently as I thought it out.

"No. we're just stating facts." 

I don't know what to say since I don't know how much he's been told or how much he knows.

"I'll think about it. Now can I work?" My smile doesn't reach my eyes. He, however gives me a confident and Knowing smile wh9ich leaves me more confused than I already was. 

After my shift, I text Sphesihle and I ask her to come over to my place.

                                                                         ***

When I get home I'm startled by Sphisesihle. I don't know how I always forget that she has a key of her own from since we lived together.

She seems like she's not okay but I'm not going to prompt her. She'll definitely tell me when she's ready. I feel sad for her though and also for myself. I don't know if I should just break down or if I should be there for her, so I break down.

She comforts me until I'm calm enough to tell her what's going on.

"Still going to therapy?" She asks. She seems pleased to be distracted from her own problems.

I nod yes. I can't verbally lie to her. She's too good to me.

We eat ice cream and watch rom-coms. We order some food and when we're halfway through our meals she blurts out that she's pregnant. She was never one for subtlety.

"Does Thabo know?" I ask her and she says no.

Damn I've been so caught up in my own mess, I forgot about my very loyal friend. I'm a bad friend. I'm a bad girlfriend and better yet, I'm a very horrible, horrible person. 

Is it wrong to say that I deserve to die.