Lovers

Ch. 44: How Soon Is Now?

How Soon Is Now?- The Smiths

"I am the son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar. I am the son and heir of nothing in particular. You shut your mouth. How can you say I go about things the wrong way? I am human, and I need to be loved. Just like everybody else does."

--

My palms are sweating against Dawn's, but I'm too numb to care at the moment.

Jeff's front doorway. It's a forest green, with a crack right next to the eyehole. The air is crisp, and I feel the mist landing on my eyelashes. It's 8am on a Friday morning. Why on earth am I here? I can quickly obtain the same information from Aunt T, but deep inside me, I yearn to look at my Uncle dead in the eyes. To see the betrayal he has been holding on to for a decade in a half.

I don't have to forgive the bastard, but I need to see him, and he might have the information I need. Maybe this is a mistake. I should be left in the dark. Why should I ruin another life? I step back, hitting the stair railing behind me.

Dawn tugs me forward once more to catch my balance, "Jake, we don't have to do this, but if you want this investigation to move forward and maybe get some closure in the process, you have to talk to him."

"I know," I say. I fucking know, yet here I am thinking of the many ways I can jump from the stairwell and land head first on the concrete floors. It would take days to get the blood out of the cracks.

"So do it or don't-- I mean, do whatever you need to do at any time," Dawn stumbles over her words. She has been more careful about what she says after I told her what Dr. Ross said. I hate that. I don't want nor do I need her to change for me.

"Dawn, you don't have to--"

Before I can finish my thought, the door opens to Gen's red sunken eyes.

"Jake?" Gen says, a sad smile crossing her lips.

"I wasn't ready," I blurt out as I take the knob and shut the door in her face.

"Jake!" Dawn scolds, but I ignore it. I wasn't ready; why should I rush because Gen heard us. It isn't until Dawn's teeth begin to chatter that I give in and knock on the door.

Gen opens it after the third knock, wear of confusion glossing over her brows, "Hello," she only says, opening the door wider for us to enter.

Yesterday I texted Gen that I would be stopping by in the morning to speak with Jeff.

"I made some coffee. It's on the kitchen counter."

"We won't be here for long."

"Thank you," Dawn accepts, letting go of my hand and straight into the kitchen.

"No coffee, Jake?" Gen tries once more.

"No." I frown, disapproving, when Dawn takes the mug between her hands and blows the steam. The tip of her nose is red, and for a second, I feel guilty for forcing her out of bed this early. "Where's--"

"Jeff should be out of the shower in a second. You know how he is, late sleeper." Gen tries to stifle a chuckle, but it falls flat instead.

"Gen," I sigh, sitting at the edge of the couch. Dawn returns her hand over mine. My thumb automatically wraps over her knuckles. "I'm not here to make up with him. Okay." There's that stupid lump growing against her throat, and I can see her eyes begin to well up, "Please don't cry. I can't talk to you if you are crying," I say honestly.

She wipes the back of her hands to her eyes, whisking away any emotion that dares to spill, "You know that was the worse day of my life too. It was my wedding day after all, but your brother..."