Hope.

• Chapter 26 •

• Luca •

My heartfelt like it was caught in my throat every second of every day. I felt so strange. I felt disgusted by myself and I didn't know what to do. As soon as I saw Tyler yesterday I couldn't help but forgive him. When I hugged him—something I strongly regret doing—I felt my whole body flood with warmth. My heart started pounding faster than I thought possible.

I didn't know what to do. I knew I liked him.

But I didn't want to.

It happened and now I was stuck all alone in my mind. When I was with him I felt like I could just tell him everything. I felt like I could ask him out right then and there, but when I wasn't around him I realized how terribly that could go down.

My stomach lurched with unease at the thought of having to tell my family. I would be disowned if I ever attempted such a thing.

I really liked him. I wanted him. And that was the sad part.

I didn't want to be like this. I wished I could just forget my feelings but they were taking over everything. The reason I was so quick to believe Tyler had told Jordan was mainly due to the fact that I wanted a reason to not like him. At the back of mind, I knew he wouldn't do such a thing.

However, my mind felt the need to make sure I had a reason to distance myself from him and I did. But he had to go screw it all up.

Now I was crushing on him more than I was before. He baked cookies for me for god's sake.

Carajo.

Why was I being punished? What did I do to make God hate me so much?

I thought I wasn't against the LGBT community and I'm not. But I just couldn't fathom that I was a part of it. It was clear that I was. I started overthinking every day of my life and I realized that these feeling hadn't magically appeared when Tyler came into my life.

I remembered back in middle school where I would stare Jordan, I told myself it was because I wanted to be him not because I wanted to be with him.

Thinking about that now made me realize that it was because of the latter.

However, he wasn't as much of an asshole back then. He was just the pretty boy whom all the girls had a crush on. And well, I guess me, hopefully, a few other guys as well.

No matter how much I tried to remember Lilly's words when they were talking to me about how they learned to accept themselves and how there was nothing wrong with them I couldn't help but feel like I was some sort of abomination. A creation god had fucked up.

"Dude, these cookies are delicious," Angela said, barging into my room as she chewed on the cookies contently.

"Close your mouth, hermana," I whined, rolling my eyes at her. Instead, she shot me a look before chewing with her mouth wide open the crumbs flying out her mouth. "You disgust me,"

"That's what I'm here for," she said, coming over and ruffling my hair. "How did Tyler manage?"

I felt my stomach lurch slightly at the mention of his name. "His brother helped him," I mumbled, fiddling with my fingers awkwardly.

"I'm about to marry his brother," she said, taking another large but out of the cookie she was holding.

"He wouldn't want to marry you," I said scrunching up my nose in fake disgust.

"Sure he will, I'm gorgeous," she said with a wink.

"You mean freaking disgusting," I said, sticking my tongue out at her.

"Oh shut it," she said, walking over to me and flicking my forehead with her long nails. Suddenly Angela's playful gaze turned into a one of concern. "You look sick, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I mumbled and I felt my heart pounding in my chest. She can't find out. If she finds out about Tyler everything will go wrong.

"Are you sure, Luca? You look pale," she said, placing the back of her hand on my forehead. I flinched causing her to retract her hand suddenly. She can't find out. She can't.

"I said, I'm fine," I snapped, as felt my vision blur slightly. My stomach was lurching uneasily.

"Luca—"

I felt like I was going to throw up, I immediately flung my hand over my mouth before running to the bathroom. I didn't throw up. I felt breath getting quicker and quicker. I felt like I was going to die. My head was throbbing as sobs escaped my lips and I felt Angela rub circles on my back. I knew she was saying something but my mind count process it.

My whole body felt limp. "Breathe, Luca," I heard Angela say and I was trying. I heard go out of the washroom and rush back in with my inhaler. I took in a few pumps and things started slowly calming down.

I was breathing heavily feeling absolutely distorted when my body finally broke out of the sudden fit. My lips felt numb.

Angela fell to her knees as she sat next to me on the floor. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"You need to stay safe," I whispered, my head still felt like it had just been ripped apart for some reason. I needed to distract her. I needed to let her think I had this breakout for some other reason. So I said the first thing I would think of. "Nicholas was Jordan's brother,"

Angela looked absolutely furious. "Is that why they hurt you?" She snapped, angrily. I nodded casting my eyes down.

"You can't tell mami. If you do she'll find out that they've been hurting me," I plead, tears falling from my eyes. Mami could never find out, she was already going through so much.

"Luca, how long are you going to take this shit from them?" She asked, lifting my chin so I was looking at her.

"Until I can get out of this place," I said, furrowing my eyebrows.

"Luca, you don't deserve this. You deserve to be happy," she whispered, running her hand through my curls.

I let out a bitter laugh. "Trust me, I don't."

"What are you going on about, Luca?" She said, exasperated.

"You'll never understand," I mumbled, pushing myself off the bathroom floor with a grunt. "I'm tired, I'm going to sleep for a bit,"

Angela looked at me with sad eyes before she left my room. I could tell she was scared by what had just happened.

But I knew one thing for sure. I needed to get this off my chest or my body won't be able to handle it.

I had to tell Tyler.

• • •

This is the only thing I could come up with. I have my exams going on and things are a bit hectic rn.

-Anya