Hope.

• Chapter 22 •

• Luca •

Overthinking is one of the only things I'm good at.

Currently, my mind was nothing short of a mess. Tyler was dominating it. I couldn't stop thinking about him. His eyes, his smile, his hair and his stupidly attractive face.

I desperately wanted to believe it was just a phase. I wanted to believe I wasn't a disgrace to my family but my mind thought otherwise.

I knew it wasn't a phase, this had happened before. But I brushed it aside, this time it wasn't as easy. I wasn't just appreciating how he looked, I liked him. In a way, I shouldn't.

I was disgusted by myself. I didn't want to be but I was.

I knew my mom would hate me if she found, so would Angela. I can't lose them over this, but a part of me was hoping, praying that they would accept me. But I knew it would never happen.

I wanted to hate Tyler, I wanted to blame it on him. But he didn't do anything. It was me and my messed up head. Every time anyone mentioned anything remotely related to the topic I would involuntarily start to panic. I had a feeling Fatima had started to notice, but even if she did, she didn't act on it. I was grateful. If she were to confront me I would probably have collapsed.

I felt weak, I didn't want to think about it. I couldn't stop my mind from wandering back to it. Back to him.

I didn't understand, why did it have to be me.

I could lose everything because of this but I couldn't stop thinking about him. His voice was constantly at the back for my head. I had started to distance myself from him. I was scared.

I hated doing it, I hated dodging him in the hallway. I hated not talking to him. I hated doing...whatever I was doing. But I made myself believe that it was the only way out of this.

I couldn't lose everything over this disgusting side of me. I couldn't do this to my family, I couldn't do this to mami. After mami gave me everything, after she worked all the time just so Angela and I could be happy, I couldn't do this to her. I couldn't disappoint her.

I was already a disappointment. I wasn't good at anything. I wasn't like Angela, I didn't have any exceptional talents. I was pathetic, I was weak and on top of all of that, I was fucking gay. I was a faggot.

Everyone who told me I was a waste of space was right. I was nothing but a disappointment. One after another, I just keep getting worse and worse.

Mami deserves a son so much better than me. She deserved a son who was good at sports or someone who was...normal.

I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard the sound of something shattering outside my room. I pushed myself off the bed, my heart pounding as I rushed out of the room.

Angela stood in front of the door breathing heavily, her face was red and tear-streaked, her eyes widened in horror. My mom stood on the other side of the room, her mouth agape. My eyes searched the room, my breath hitched as I saw the window of our apartment shattered, a large stone lying on the ground, surrounded by shards of glass. There was an air of silence that was filled by Angela's heavy breaths.

"What happened?" I managed to say after a while. Angela's face snapped towards me, her face was filled with panic.

"I would like to know as well why my window was just shattered." Mom snapped her shocked expression turning to annoyance and anger. Angela didn't move as her eyes desperately flicked between me and my mom. It was clear she knew why this had happened, her face was dripping with guilt.