Crossing Lines

40. A bruise

I woke up alone.

I could feel the guilt clawing at me but I pushed it down. I didn't want to think about any of it. Especially not the look on Jake's face when I said I would get a ride with my roommates.

I wanted him here with me but at the same time I wanted to close myself off to the world. Last night had cleaved open all my old wounds. When I had gotten home I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. The mark on my face from the punch was enough to turn my stomach.

It hadn't been as bad last night but I knew it was worse this morning. I didn't have to look to know the bruise was formed and spread right across my jaw where it still ached.

Just the thought was enough for my mind to start to spin out. I couldn't do this and part of me wanted to call Jake and have him right here next to me so I could lean on him. But the smarter side of me didn't want him to see me like this.

I had tried so hard to keep him separate from this part of me. I had tried to save him from my darkness. I'd broken things off the second I knew I had feelings because it was better for him. Yet here I was with him and happy but ruining it all just the same. I couldn't be all in with Jake and keep him away from this damaged part of me.

There was a soft knock on my door and I knew who it was even before my best friend stuck her head into my room. She looked at me still laid out in bed and gave me a sad smile.

"How are you feeling?" She asked walking in further, shutting the door behind her.

"I'm fine Becs, you don't need to come check on me." I told her really just wanting to be alone.

"As your best friend I'm not letting you mope around all day by yourself." Becca didn't leave any room for arguments as she wiggled her way under my covers.

"I really don't want company right now." I forced out.

I didn't know how to be cared for and that applied to my best friend as well. She was an unmovable force when it came to me. I'd tried to push her away plenty of times but she was stubborn and never budged.

"How's your face feeling?" She totally ignored what I said.

"It's fine, just a bruise." I didn't exactly know that considering I hadn't gotten myself to look in the mirror yet, it felt like a bruise though.

I'd grown familiar with the feeling of bruises so the pain spreading across my jaw was nothing new. I didn't need to see the bruise to be able to picture the fist shaped mark in my mind.

"Monroe thought it might be fun to all go out and get some breakfast." Becs told me.

I felt my stomach turn at the thought of eating, at the thought of walking out in public with this mark on my face. I wanted to just stay here in my room where no one would see me. I couldn't do that but it seemed like a good idea.

"I have to go talk to coach today." I knew I wasn't leaving to see the coach right now but I couldn't put it off.

"Did you want me to cover the bruise up for you?" I watched her eyes flick down to where I knew my skin had turned shades of red, purple and blue.

I felt like I was suffocating as Becca's words dancing in my head. They dragged me down to all the times I'd heard them in the past.

"Mama what are you doing?" I tried to move away from her but she grabbed my face trying to keep me still.

"I'm just trying to make your face all pretty again." She smiled at me as she dabbed more makeup onto my hurt skin.

"It hurts." I felt the tears well up in my eyes again but I didn't move, I didn't want to upset her.

"Just a little longer baby, you need to look nice for school."

I didn't argue with that. I didn't want to argue because I didn't want my mom to be upset anymore. I wanted my mom to keep smiling at me so I sat still and let her fix my face.

I couldn't do it again. I couldn't sit there as someone wiped away very mark like it was nothing. I hated all of it but still I couldn't look at the way the bruise spread across my skin, the mark of discoloration. I couldn't handle any of this and more than anything I wanted a certain boy next to me holding me through it all.

I felt like I needed him here but I couldn't let myself rely on him. I wouldn't use him as a crutch to get me through the bad parts.

"You should go out with the guys to get some food." I said to my best friend.

She just stared at me as if she was trying to find the right words. There were no right words so when she came up with nothing I wasn't surprised.

"You should eat something." She told me reaching out to rest her hand on my arm.

I didn't shrug her off, I just let her rest her hand there. It was the most I was going to get because I knew Becca wouldn't try to hug me unless I initiated it and we both knew I wouldn't.

"I will." I nodded and I meant it.

I'd force myself out of bed at some point. I needed to if I was going to talk to coach.

"Text me if you need anything."

I just hummed in agreement.

"Promise me Ev." She pleaded.

"I promise." And once the words were out of my mouth I knew I couldn't break that promise.

Becca reluctantly left my bed and she said one final I love you before she slipped out of my room. Once I was alone again everything felt like it fell right back down on me crushing me right into the mattress.

But I was only alone with my thoughts for so long before my phone buzzed. My heart ached as I checked the notification to see Jake's name on the screen. I knew he'd reach out sooner rather than later. I just hadn't been ready for it.

Jake- Good morning, how are you feeling?

He was so amazing it almost hurt. I didn't want to lie and tell him I was fine when I was anything but fine. I couldn't pretend with him but I couldn't tell him the truth. I didn't want him to see everything I'd locked up away out of sight.

It was a back and forth and instead of making a decision I put my phone back down leaving the message on read.

I really hated myself.