MATEO || bxb

- 14 -

Please be aware some of Camden's thoughts may be triggering

~~~

| Camden |

Last Summer

They say after a trauma you feel numb. No pain, no happiness, nothing. I wanted to feel like that. I wanted to float out of my body and not feel anything at all. But I felt instead like I could feel everything. Every ache in every movement, every tear rolling down my face, ever confusion as to what just happened.

"What's going on?" Adrian asked from the front seat. "What happened?"

I was sat in the back with Mateo, head leant against the window, the tears unstoppable as Mateo rubbed my back as soothingly as he could.

"Just drive. Get us home first," Mateo responded not telling my brother what he had seen. What he had to stop.

The streetlights were bright and glaring and I had to close my eyes to block them out as we drove past. I wanted to be in bed. Duvet cocooning me in warmth and safety. Nothing can get you under the covers.

I should have stayed under the covers.

"Seriously Te, what the fuck happened?" Adrian kept trying but Mateo kept ignoring him as he focused on me. "Cam?" I didn't respond either. I didn't even know if my mouth worked anymore. What could I say? What could I ever tell him? It's all too painful. I just want to feel numb, but I feel too much. Too much. "For fucks sake. Someone fucking tell me something!"

"Shut up Adrian," Mateo said. He almost never called him his proper name. "Now's not the time. We gotta get him home."

Adrian sighed and kept driving. I don't know for how long, but we were soon at my house and Mateo had to hold me steady as I stumbled out of the car almost rushing inside into a place of safety. I was still a little tipsy, but I'd sobered up a lot at the realisation of what had happened to me.

"Just leave me alone with him okay. Let me look after him," Mateo said. It was later now, and we were upstairs. I don't remember going up the stairs, but I was on the landing, then in my room. I don't know where I was.

"But..."

"No. You gotta take a step back. I know you care about him, but I don't think you can help right now." I was sat on the bed, Mateo talking to Adrian in front of me. Everything hurts. "Look, I know you're worried, but I got this. Trust me, okay?"

My brother nodded, I think. "Okay..." he was quiet and then he walked away. I was glad. Glad Mateo sent him away. I didn't want him to see me like this.

Later I was in the bathroom.

"Feel so dirty," I remember whispering to no one in particular.

"Hey," Mateo said hands on my shoulders. "Look at me." I couldn't. I didn't. "You're not dirty," he said not forcing me to put eyes on him. "You're not unclean. You're not spoiled. There is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with you. What's wrong is what he did."

"It hurts," I said sobbing.

"I know," he said quiet. His voice wavered but he was so strong. "Look, I've drawn you a bath. It's nice and warm. Why don't you get in. I'll be waiting right outside."

He went to move away but I grabbed onto his arm and shouted, "No!" I didn't want to be alone. Couldn't be alone. What if he got me again when I was alone? "Please don't leave me."

"O...okay," but he moved away from me still and I begged him to stay. "I'm not going anywhere. Just gonna put bubbles in the bath. Then you can sit in, and I won't see a thing if you want me close."