MATEO || bxb

- 5 -

| Mateo |

It's not like I could tell him it was him that I'd caught some feelings for before I left. I went to find him that night because I was half drunk and I thought impulsively that I should tell him. I was worried he would find someone else while I was away and thought perhaps if he knew, he would wait for me.

It was a selfish thought. I had no right to keep him hanging on. But at least that selfish thought had brought me to him because God only knows how much worse it could have been for him, had I not been there. But I knew there was a warning in there for me as well. A warning that telling him would have been a mistake.

My hand still felt the imprint of his from our walk down here. I had been scared so it wasn't just some excuse to hold his hand. When we were younger, I used to hold Adrian's too in the dark. I couldn't do that now, Adrian would make fun of me, but Cam was not Adrian. He held on tight just as scared as I was, but we pushed forward. I was braver when I was with him, and a coward all the same with all that I kept inside.

"Did you have a good 18th?" I asked. His birthday had been around 6 months ago. "I'm sorry I couldn't be there."

Cam didn't speak right away. He seemed to be just as in his thoughts as I was.

"Umm... I didn't really do anything. Just had dinner at this fancy place with mum and dad and Ade," he replied. This confused me. I thought for sure he would have done something with his friends. He used to be so close to them so why were they not there, unless of course he wasn't close to them anymore.

"What... what about your friends?" I asked tentatively.

Cam shook his head. "I just... I kind of isolated myself from them. I could barely take care of myself, I didn't know how to keep up friendships as well. And I don't know, a few months later when I started to feel at least a little more myself, I realised we didn't talk at all anymore. Now I just don't know how to reach out."

"They didn't at least wish you happy birthday or anything?"

I realised how much of a hypocrite I was being. I hadn't even wished Cam happy birthday directly, instead asking Adrian to pass it on. See, I was a coward. I was no better than the people I were judging right now because they hadn't reached out to him.

But there was some difference between me and them, was there not? They were his best friends and, while Cam and I had gotten somewhat closer that summer, we were never truly friends as they were. Did they never ask him what was wrong? Did they not try to reach out to their friend? Why did they let him go so easily?

"One did. Umm... I just said thank you and left it. It felt really weird. It's okay though. I'm the one who pushed them away so I can't really be mad that we don't talk anymore," he said.

"I think you can be. Just a little at least. They should have... I don't know, they just shouldn't have let you go so easily," I said still ashamed of my hypocrisy. "I'm sorry that I did the same..."

Cam looked at me confused. "It's not the same," he said quietly. "Anyway, I thought you were gonna tell me about Spain?"

"Sure," I said giving him a sorry smile.

So, what to tell him about Spain? There were so many things I could have told him. I suppose one thing in particular did come to mind though. I'd told Adrian all about it and wanted so many times to tell Cam too. "Well, we have a dog now."

"What?!" He looked so excited. The way his eyes lit up I'll never forget. I would have to bring him with me to Spain now one day so that he could meet her.

"Yeah," I nodded my head. "She's a rescue. Dad was cutting into some of the land he owns by the house which was a bit overgrown, and I heard like this squeaking crying sound. God it was awful. I made dad listen and he heard it too, so we got a bunch of our family out to literally search the whole place until we found what was making the noise. And it was actually my niece that found her," I said as I got my phone out to show Cam photos of Mabel when we had just found her.