MATEO || bxb

- 1 -

| Camden |

When I was little, there used to be a pigeon that visited our house almost every day. It had loved my father because he used to leave bird feeders out in the garden and when he noticed the same pigeon always came to visit, he had slowly started to build trust with the creature. He started by placing the feeder closer to the house, which he said was so the bird could get used to seeing him and the rest of us. Then, he eventually started venturing outside as the pigeon ate, sometimes holding the food in his hands. One day the bird flew right to him; sat on his wrist and ate out of his open palm.

I named her Grey, not the most inventive name in the world but I had only been around four years old. She was never allowed in the house because mum was adamant that she didn't want bird poo all over her furniture, but we would often sit outside with Grey. I remember there was one day where she came and stood on my shoe, and I was so excited. I wanted to jump up and down in excitement, but I contained all that happiness inside my little body so that I didn't scare her away.

Dad always says I loved that bird more than anything. I don't really remember if that was true. What I do remember is how I felt that afternoon when I found her lifeless in the garden.

You see, our neighbours had a cat that would sometimes climb over the fence and wander around in our garden instead of its own. I think that cat and even those neighbours are long gone now. But the cat had snuck into our garden, and I knew it was the cat because I saw him. He ran away and jumped back into his own garden when I ran outside to greet him and when I looked at the ground where the cat had just been, there was little Grey. All that was left of her was a mangled corpse.

There was nothing my parents could do to comfort me after that. My brother, Adrian told me he had even tried putting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on for me, but even that wouldn't pull me out of my reverie.

Of course, as all children do, I moved on after a while. But the point is, that was the first time I ever truly felt sad about something. I don't know if you can foresee depression in someone by looking at their childhood, but maybe my reaction to that event should have been a sign that I was susceptible to the disease. And I do think of it as a disease. Every day feels a little bit harder sometimes as it plants its toxins deep into the pits of my heart.

I don't really know how to get better from this. Some things are hard to forget. Some things you cannot forget no matter what. Memories can be ghosts haunting you in every moment of your life. I haven't learnt how to at least block the sounds of their whispers out yet, not in healthy ways at least. Maybe one day I will, I hope so, but for now they tell me things I don't like hearing so sometimes all I can do is put my headphones in and blast music so loud that I don't have to hear anything at all.

Of course, that only meant I never heard when my family called for me.

"Oi," I heard from beside me that made me jump. Adrian pulled the headphone away from my ear. I wondered how long he had been calling for me. I didn't even notice anyone had come into my room.

"Oh what? Sorry Ade. Didn't hear you," I said.

"Yeah, clearly," Adrian replied. "C'mon, mum says dinner's ready, and she made your favourite to celebrate or something."

"Celebrate what?" I asked confused.

"Umm, your last exam idiot. Having finished college. You do remember finishing college, don't you? Considering it literally happened today."

"Yeah, I remember," I sighed. "Yeah, I'll come down."

I followed my older brother downstairs. Adrian had been home from his first year of university for a few weeks now. It was nice having him here. He was my only friend these days, so it was nice not to feel so lonely all the time, anymore.