Querencia | Finnick Odair

Chapter XVI

I run past the Avoxes and through the remaining guests until I am in the car that brought us here. Only then I see that I am shaking and I feel sick. The driver doesn't ask questions and just drives me back to the apartment, where Penelope looks at me surprised.

She helps me to get out of the dress and while I am in the shower, readies the bed.

But once I stand there, in front of my bed in my fluffy blue Pajamas I freeze. I step back, imagining what I was supposed to do tonight, what Snow still wants me to do. Penelope slowly steps towards me, gingerly takes my hand and leads me towards the bed. One step at a time. She tucks me in and starts humming. I turn my head and look at her surprised, but she just smiles and continues. Of course she can hum.

I fall asleep faster than usual, but that doesn't keep the nightmares away.

In the middle of the night I repeat what happened on the train, just that this time small hands move my hair back, braid it and rub circles over my back until I emptied all my stomachs contents into the toilet.

Penelope hands me a glass of water and brings me back to bed.

The next morning the breakfast is silent. Nobody asks why I left the party in a hurry, nobody tries to get me to eat something.

My prepteam doesn't talk all that much while putting my hair into two braids and doing my makeup.

My outfit is a black and white striped dress, with cut outs of course. Which now make sense. Snow presented my body to the world like a piece of meat. My coronation dress and all the others after. I am sure Keaton got instructions.

The people cheer and I blow kisses, the usual. But now when I see the men I always ask myself if they would be one of the people that would pay for my company.

Arriving in District 9 is calm. No more cameras and no more crowds. We arrive at the victors village and it's quiet when I enter my home. No warm welcome, no good smell from the kitchen. Instead a sweet smell, coppery. A chill runs down my spine. I know that smell all too well.

'Your behaviour will have consequences...'

I slam the door open and there, on plastic sheets, lie my grandparents. A blood curdling scream leaves my lips as I fall onto my knees, my hand trembling as I move towards them, brushing their hair back as blood soaks through my dress and stains my hands, Mariann storms in, shortly followed by Silas. They stop in their tracks when they see me.

"Oh no...", Marian whispers. Then they jump into action. Mariann crouches down next to me. "Come on sweetie. Lets get you cleaned up"

I don't really get what she is saying. I hear it, but it's like a cloud surrounding my head, but one thought is suddenly there. "Lucida", I mumble, frantically getting up and storming out and through the streets of my District until I arrive at Lucidas house.

"Luci! Lucida!? Open the door, please! Open...", I start sobbing, but my blonde friend opens the door. "Oh god. You're okay! You're okay...", I repeat again and again. She looks very confused. Then notices the blood on my dress and my hands. "But are you okay? Tally...?"

"I...it's just...my grandparents. They, they died. They are gone...", I mumble.

"Okay. Lets get you home. We can take care of things. Burial and everything will be organized."

I only nod weakly. I didn't notice the people staring when I was running here, but this time I do. And I understand. The Districts victor, covered in blood, being led through the District by a petite blonde girl, is an unusual sight.

I have to give it to Mariann and Silas, they already got somebody to get the bodies of my grandparents and clean them, while being discreet about it. I just sit on the living room couch, staring into space. I just feel cold and empty, I am trembling and there is a heaviness in my body that makes me unable to move or speak.

They ask where I want them buried, what flowers I want, if I want them in changed clothes. I don't answer at first, just weakly nod or shake my head. But the more questions they ask the more agitated I get.

My voice is raw when I speak. "What does it matter? They are gone. Nothing I can change now..."

And then it hits me. It was all my fault. If I would have just done what Snow wanted...and then I am a sobbing mess again, not being able to stop as I curl into a ball.

Lucida and Mariann take turns trying to calm me down or get me to eat.

In the middle of the night everything is ready for the burial, but I am not. I stand at the dug up holes in my bloody dress and with dry blood on my hands, now silent tears running down my cheeks. Without any words I set the flowers onto the coffins, silently begging for forgiveness and then throw a handful of dirt into the graves, then a handful of grain. I settle onto the frozen ground and wait until the holes are filled and everybody leaves, even Lucida even though she really tried to get me to leave with her.

I don't know if I hope to just freeze to death here, I really don't, but even if I would. Maybe there is a life after death and I would either see them again, which I am too much of a coward to do, or the more likely thing would be me burning in hell for all eternity. Which I also deserve.

I thought that Snow would take away my money, my home, my victors status, but I clearly underestimated him. Sending men to execute my grandparents in their own home, with a shot through the heart...there was more cruelty inside him than I would have guessed. But seemingly his heart is as dead as my family.

I feel bad for thinking that it was probably better that both of them are gone, but one without the other...the grief would have probably killed them quickly after.

Pondering over these thoughts, switching to self hatred and occasional anger and even to self pity from time to time I spend the night out in the field behind the victors houses, not noticing the cold or my shivering, since I had long accepted the cold as a part of me.

I rose once the sun did and went back to my house, starting a fire in the fireplace and burning the dress I was wearing. After I took a bath that turned my skin flaming red, but stayed until the water was freezing cold. In a robe I entered my bedroom and seeing the bouquet of white roses, promptly fainted.