Xalia Squalor; because sometimes being in is not enough

Can't suspect a dead man

When someone dies, if they were on the run, they are no longer on the run. You cannot hold a dead man responsible to crimes he, she or they committed. I look out on the crowd from the police station window. Jacques Snicket is dead. Jacques Snicket was being seen as Count Olaf. It's sort of opposite identity theft. He was given an identity with no choice but to go along with it. Technically, he didn't even go along with it. He was just never asked straight up. The crowd are gasping, and looking to and from Olaf and the Baudelaires. One of the hench people brings through a mechanical device and I sigh. Olaf's plan can't work. The Baudelaires have gone through to much for them to be burned at the stake. Why are the crowd clapping? I don't understand town people. City people are all so weird, that nobody is weird. Mum hugs Olaf from the side, stroking his chest and I roll my eyes. Jacques Snicket is dead, and his girlfriend isn't going to find out until the newspaper comes out with Olaf's picture. Jacques's picture? Count Jacques's picture? Olaf Snicket's picture? I should stop. There's rattling of cell doors downstairs, and I sprint down to see Violet, Klaus, and Sunny all sat in a cell. Olaf and Mum saunter off, and I walk down to their cell.
None of them look at me, and I sigh, "What have they going to do to you?"
"Burn us at the stake," Violet looks at me, her glare burning. I pause, and say, "I'm... sorry. I didn't think he would do that."
I look round the cell, at the bench and the noose. It's rough in there. Slowly, I whisper, "Do you want anything? Tea? Water? Wine?"
Klaus glares at me, and I groan, "Didn't your parents teach you anything about getting out of jail?"
"No?" Klaus scoffs. I mutter, "Must just be my mum then. Did they teach you anything?"
Violet sighs, "They taught us how to be good people, noble people. They taught us not to work with murderers. They taught us to do what was right."
"Violet," Klaus whispers. I sigh, "Olaf has done awful things, but I have no choice here. Can't you see? If you found out your mum was dating a murderer, and she wanted to take you with her, what would you do?"
The Baudelaires are silent, and I look at the floor of their cell. A rock hard loaf of bread. Jacques had it. Klaus asks, "Xalia May, what makes this cell deluxe?"
"You don't want to know-"
"Yes we do," Violet argues. I look up at the noose, and Violet's jaw drops. She pauses and I sigh, "I'm so sorry, Baudelaires. I truly don't want any of you to die. You were technically my siblings for a day, even if it went horribly. Bye Violet. Bye Klaus."
I look at Sunny, who toddles over to me. Slowly, I put my hand in hers, and sigh, "Bye Sunny. Oh, and Klaus?"
As I stand up, Klaus looks at me expectantly. I sigh, "Happy birthday."

I walk off, sighing. Olaf and Mum are having their photos taken by the nosy banker's nosy wife, and they all turn to me. I freeze, as the nosy wife squeals, "Detective and Chief of police have a child together! Wait until the readers of the daily punctilio hear about this!"
I scoff, "He is not my dad! And... she is not my mum. Just, an intern here. I'm on my work experience, definitely."
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HEY!" The orphans scream. I wince as Olaf pushes passed me, and after a quick conversation, he sighs, "It's Klaus's birthday."
"The teenage years are tough," The nosy banker nods. I smirk, "Not if you're really rich and pretty and in."
Everyone turns to me again, and I mutter, "Or so I've heard."
The banker and his wife are shoved out the office, and mum groans, "I actually hate orphans. I swear, I'm going to gouge out their actual eyeballs."
"No need," I sigh, "They'll be burned at the stake. During the... burning... I'll wait in the car. Can I drive? Please, mum, please!"
Mum thinks for a second, before laughing, "Ahh! Okay! We can start your driving lessons on the hinterlands! How does that sound?"
"So, so good," I smirk. We leave the station, and walk over to where Olaf is stood. I don't pay attention to the conversation, but look round miserably. After nothing exciting happens, I eavesdrop on Mum and Olaf.
"You have the soul of a poet, love," Mum smiles at Olaf.
"And her brother, joy," Olaf doesn't look over at mum, who is resting her head on his shoulder, "We shoved them in the statue, remember?"
I look at mum, who rolls her eyes. Olaf smiles, saying, "The point is, I'm able to give the love of my life... and her daughter... the most important thing ever. A fortune."
Mum sighs, "I already have that. What I don't have, is the most important part of a tea set."
"A tea pot?"
"The sugar bowl," Mum groans, "That stupid librarian woman told me where it was, and I want it. I deserve it. Please, Olaf, love of my life, darling, baby, angel, joy, precious, dearest darling dream boat-"
"You calling me pet names wont get us to the sugar bowl any sooner," Olaf sighs. I whisper, "Mum... mum? MUM? There's something in the sky. Why are you not looking?"
"Xalia, calm down... oh god, what is that?"

Olaf pulls out a spyglass and looks up at what looks like a floating mobile home. I sigh as Olaf demands, "Xalia May, go to the car. Actually, every single one of you, to the car. Xalia is not going to drive."
"Baby," Mum sighs. Olaf hisses, "We would be breaking the law."
"And that's stopped you before?" Mum scoffs. Olaf hisses, "JUST GO!"
I trudge to the car, sitting miserably in the front. This car is weird, and has three seats in the front and back, so I sit in the middle front seat. The man with hooks for hands sits at the drivers seat and I snap, "This isn't fair. You'd all trust me to drive, right?"
Everyone in the car nods, and I sigh. So it really is just Olaf.