The Beautiful You

Forty-three ~ Hyacinthus

I parted my hair, trying to style it last minute before I went to pick up Amory. It seemed like the more I stared at myself, the more nervous I felt about tonight. After I was discharged from the hospital a few days ago, Amory suggested we go out on an "official" date. Up until now our dates consisted of my house or his, and a stack of movies.

Going out in public was never something either of us thought about. I think we liked being in our own little corner of the world. But after that day in the hospital, something felt different. Not in a bad way, but a good difference.

Like something was progressing.

The knock outside my bedroom door pulled me away from my thoughts.

"Hey," Lee said, standing outside my bedroom.

"Hey."

I hadn't seen him since the night of Battle of the Bands. He never came to the hospital. It was just Mei, April and Amory who came along that day. Mei apologized to me with tears in her eyes, but it wasn't her fault for anything. I wasn't even mad at her.

Lee on the other hand...

"Uhm, is this a bad time?"

I shook my head. "I'm just getting ready to go out." My eyes shifted back to the mirror, avoiding him.

"You look good."

"Thanks."

He shifted uncomfortably before clearing his throat. "Are you going to see Amory?"

I glared at him and scoffed. "Yeah, I'm going to see my boyfriend. Do you have a problem with that?"

He shook his head. "I'm actually here about that."

"I don't want to hear your opinion–"

"No, Apollo, I'm here to apologize."

"I also don't want your apology."

Lee sighed. I didn't care if he wanted to apologize. I knew who my real friends were, and if he couldn't support me through this, then I didn't want him around. I had enough to deal with as it is.

"Apollo, I wasn't upset because you like him. I don't care if you like guys, or girls, or whatever. That stuff doesn't matter–"

"Then why were you acting like an asshole?"

He stared down at his feet, avoiding my gaze. "I don't have siblings, and I don't have many friends–Apollo, you're like my brother!" His voice cracked and he turned away in embarrassment. "You're the only person who gets me. And this whole fucking year it's like you've pushed yourself away from me–from us– your friends! We don't talk anymore, we don't hang out, and it's like you hide yourself away from us."

I paused. I never knew he felt like this. I mean I knew we were distant, but I just thought that was because neither of us knew how to be around each other anymore. Like there would always be this elephant in the room and neither of us wanted to talk about it.

"I guess...I was jealous or something." He glanced at me, he looked remorseful. "We tell each other everything, and when I found out about Amory–it just made me wonder what else you'd hide from me." His tone shifted and his voice wavered as he spoke. "Jackson hid a lot of things from us–and you're just so in your own head sometimes that it makes me wonder–if–if you'd hide those types of things from me too."

I didn't realize he was trying to reconnect with me. I didn't know he wanted to talk, but just like me, he was scared.

I'm always so caught up in my own head that I didn't take a minute to realize that maybe my own friends were feeling the same things I did. That even Lee, a guy who never showed any hint of sadness or grief, was suffering too. I just thought he was processing a lot better than I was, but he's been treading water just like me.