The Beautiful You

Thirty-five ~ Why Do You Feel So Down

There was a silence as he waited for an answer.

I pulled at the collar of my hoodie, a nervous chuckle escaped my lips as I combed my hair back. Lee's not the type of person to notice things, April and I had to kiss in front of him before he realized she liked me.

"I don't know what you're trying to—''

Lee shrugged, pointing at the mattress and said, "Are you–like...hooking up with him?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

Lee shut the door behind him and shrugged, spreading his arms out into the air. "I don't know maybe because it's so fucking obvious!" Lee did this thing when he was angry, he liked to curl his hands into fists and slowly relax them repeatedly.

I just wanted to know why he was angry.

"Lee, don't assume things just because you think you know what's going on," I said.

He scoffed. "Okay, so you want me to believe he's your new best friend?" He shook his head and continued, "No offensive Apollo, but you're not really the type of guy to make new friends. Especially not with someone like Amory."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You hate people like him! You hate going to parties!" He shouted. "But I get it now. The soccer game, homecoming, the Halloween party, the Christmas party—all that stuff was because you liked him."

I laughed and shook my head. "You're literally connecting imaginary dots and making no—''

"Apollo, would you stop lying to me!" He pleaded. "I know! I'm not an idiot."

I bit my lip, trying to think of a way to explain myself. If I told him the truth I'd be outing Amory.

I can't do that.

"Lee, we're just friends."

Just a month ago I couldn't stand the thought of being just friends, but as weird and painful as it was, it was something I had to do.

Lee shook his head and muttered, "No. We're supposed to be friends. We're supposed to tell each other everything! Remember, no more secrets."

No more secrets was something we had promised each other after Jackson died. I think it was the only moment we ever really acknowledged that Jackson was gone. Most of the time we don't talk about him.

But I also never knew when or how I'd tell Lee about how I felt for Amory. It's true, we told each other almost everything. But I didn't know how to tell him this, or even if I wanted to. April just found out because she knows me so well, and Mei...Mei doesn't know either.

I don't know when I'm supposed to do all this. This part—the coming out.

"Do you even realize what you're asking me to say?"

"Apollo, I'm your best friend." He stared down at the ground. "You can't even trust me?"

Silence seemed like the only thing I was good at.

Lee suddenly glared at me, ripping off his beaded necklaces, throwing them on the ground. "Are you mad at me or something?"

"Why would I be mad?" I asked.

"Is it because of Jackson's memorial?" He asked. "Are you mad at me for that?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked, my tone becoming more irritated.

"You didn't even want to go to his memorial, and you barely even wanted us at the Christmas party!"

"I invited you to the party, and I went to the memorial! Our friends needed us," I said.