mind, body, and soul | lee felix

twenty five

I turn the box over and over in my hands, not taking my eyes off of it. Jisung went to bed hours ago, and Felix still hasn't come back. My every fiber in my body is screaming at sleep, but I can't. Not when I know that Felix is still out there, by himself.

I flip open the top, holding my breath. There it is, in all of its glory. The necklace is just as beautiful as it was when I first saw it. 

Tracing the outline of the box, I hesitate before picking the necklace up by the chain. I dangle it in front of me, staring at the pendant. Felix had these made for us, and it's obvious he really thought we would end up together. 

I flip over the pendant, searching for the "omnia amantes" that completes Felix's side of the saying. I find it on the back of the left wing, inscribed in tiny writing. 

Lovers remember everything.

I wish I did. Then, I could know if I was making the right decision to not fight for Felix. I gently press my fingertips right above the inscription, knowing what to expect.

I'm no longer in the house Felix brought me to. Instead, I'm in a park, watching as Felix chases me around. We're both laughing hysterically, even more so when some kids come over to watch us. 

Felix catches up with the other me and throws his arms around her waist, pulling her backwards to face him. He kisses her happily, causing the crowd of kids to collectively groan in disgust. The other me throws her head back and laughs, a smile on her face.

Felix watches her move away, his eyes softening as she goes to some of the other kids. A small boy, probably no older than six, approaches him.

"Is she your wife?" The little boy asks bluntly, his eyes wide. Felix laughs and looks over at her, his eyes sparkling. 

"No," Felix says, talking to the boy but never taking his eyes off of me. "Not yet." 

The poor boy fake gags, his disgust plain on his face. "You're not married, but you're kissing?" He is scandalized. Felix just laughs and bends down to the boy, ruffling his hair.

"When you love someone as much as I do, you'll understand."

The memory fades out, leaving me to sit on the bed in silence. I knew what I was doing when I told Felix I couldn't love him; I knew what I was losing. Somehow, it still hurts, maybe even more than I thought it would. 

I hear the front door creak open and I jump up, looking out of the bedroom door. There Felix is, leaning against the counter, his head in his hands. The door next to my room opens, and I jerk back, following my first instinct to hide. 

Jisung walks over to Felix, resting a hand on his back gently. I lean against the door, straining to hear what they're talking about. I know it's wrong, but a part of me tells me to listen without them knowing.

Felix murmurs something that has Jisung rubbing his back reassuringly.

"You know, maybe this is a blessing in disguise," Jisung says quietly. Felix lifts his head, rolling his shoulders back and turning around to glare at Jisung.

"Yeah? And how did you get to that?" 

"Just that this could be a good thing. You could start trying to move on-" Felix slams his hand down on the counter, causing both me and Jisung to jump. My heart starts beating quicker, and I'm tempted to go and calm Felix down.

"Move on?" Felix is yelling, completely tense. "Sure, let's move on. Let's forget the girl who I love. Let's forget about how she made me forget who I was. Let's forget about how I changed my life for her. Let's forget about-" Felix breaks off, his voice cracking. He hangs his head, utterly broken.

There's a silence that neither Felix nor Jisung rush to fill.

"I just," Felix whispers. "I just wish I could fit the pieces back together." Jisung looks at Felix, resigned. 

"You can't put the pieces together if they've changed." Jisung says, resting his hand on Felix's shoulder. He nods, his eyes closing softly.

I lean against the wall, looking away from them. A knot raises in my throat and I swallow it down; I know I don't have the right to cry or regret what I did. But I still do. How is it that Felix can make me doubt every decision I make?

I hear footsteps coming towards this door, and I rush towards the bed, making it seem like I was sitting here all along. I'm able to situate myself comfortable just as someone knocks against the door.

"Hey," Felix says. "Are you in here?" I nod, then realize he can't see me. I tell him to come in, and he does, shutting the door gently behind him. 

There's palpable tension between us, almost visible. I pick at one of the seams on the comforter, avoiding eye contact with Felix. There's an awkward quiet, one that I feel so uncomfortable with. 

Felix sighs quietly, making his way to sit next to me on the bed. He sits as far away from me as possible, making my heart squeeze a little. 

"I want to say something," he says quietly. "And I just want you to listen. I just want you to know what I'm thinking and what I was thinking. Okay?"

I nod, slightly apprehensive. I start mentally preparing myself, saying that I was not going to fall back into his arms, no matter what he says.