mind, body, and soul | lee felix

eighteen

"It's always been your choice."

Felix's words ring in the air as I realize how true they are. The whole time I've known Felix, it's always been about what I wanted, what I was comfortable with. Even in that memory, he let me die for him; he let me make that choice.

How much must someone love you for them to trust you so completely?

I look up at Felix, being close enough to him to see even the lightest gold flecks in his eyes. I want to trace the constellations of freckles across his cheeks, but I resist. 

He notices the intensity of my look and smirks a little, bringing his hand to my face and rubbing my cheek lightly.

"I love when you look at me like this," he murmurs quietly, looking at me from under half-closed eyes. I tilt my head. 

"Like what?"

"Like I'm the only thing that matters." Ducking my head, I can feel the blush spreading across my cheeks. Felix laughs a little and brings my head up, kissing my forehead.

"I told you, don't be embarrassed with me. I won't ever judge you."

Behind us, Jisung scoffs.

"Yeah, he won't, but I will!" He kicks Felix's leg before hopping off the bed. "I can't wait for the gross romantic stuff that'll come now that you know the full story." Jisung's tone is dripping with sarcasm as he glares at us.

Felix sticks his tongue out at him before turning to me.

"He's just jealous that he can't find love." I laugh a little before another question hits me. I hold up a hand.

"Wait. If you're an angel," I say, pointing at Felix. "And if Jisung is your brother, then wouldn't that make Jisung an angel too?"

Jisung snorts and folds his arms over his chest. "You wanna tell her, or do I have to?" 

Felix rolls his eyes and sighs, annoyed by Jisung.

"He was, but then when everything happened with us, Ji ended up taking my side. So he was banned along with me. He's suffering the same way I am."

"Yeah, sure," Jisung says sarcastically. "Except I didn't do anything wrong other than defend you. I didn't fall in love. And now I have to wait for you to fall in love again so I can get back to where I belong."

Felix sighs, his eyes widening as he searches for patience. He shakes his head as he looks at me.

"Yeah, he's probably hungry. Once we get him food, he'll be back-" Jisung makes an irritated sound.

"I'm literally right here." He says, giving both of us an evil glare. If looks could kill. I laugh out loud, smiling for the first time since Felix started telling the story. Felix watches me, a smile growing on his face.

Standing, Felix stretches and shoots a grin at me. 

"Let's get Jisung food so he doesn't kill us." Jisung huffs and pushes past Felix to leave.

"Yeah, sure, let's talk about Jisung like he isn't here!" He shouts from outside the room. I laugh again and follow Felix out of the room. I could get used to this; it's not hard to find a rhythm with them. Maybe it's because I already had one?

I lean against the counter as I watch Felix and Jisung argue over who gets some leftover takeout. I smile to myself, thinking about what they told me.

I have to fall in love with Felix so he wins the bet against Christopher. Then what? Everything "goes back to normal". But for me, normal is waking up next to Emily and the way she curls into a ball when she sleeps. Normal is smelling her citrus perfume a second before she sits next to me. Normal is hearing her call me "her star" and pointing out her favorite constellations. My normal isn't Felix's normal, and I don't know how to tell him that.

I didn't realize how far I had zoned out until Felix taps me on the shoulder. He holds out a cup of ramen sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Jisung took the takeout from last night, and this is all I have right now. Sorry," he says, grimacing a little. I reassure him that it's fine and start eating it right there. I hadn't recognized how hungry I was before.

Felix turns and stands beside me, not saying a word. I glance over at him to see him deeply in thought.

"I can literally see you thinking," I say, placing the bowl down. "What's up?" Felix sighs and rubs his face with one hand.

"Are you really okay with all of this? I mean, it's not like you asked for everything. You don't even remember half of what I do. How are you supposed to fall in love with me in days when it took you months last time?" Felix shakes his head, more at himself than at me. He tugs on a lock of his hair, frustrated.

Reaching up, I remove his hand from his hair and smooth it down. He just leans his head down, encouraging me to play with his hair more. I laugh at his movement and hop onto the counter, moving so that I'm sitting behind him, my legs on either side of his waist. I finger comb his hair, admiring the brown strands.

"Angel," he murmurs. "You didn't answer my question." I grimaced, even though he couldn't see me, and continued to play with his hair. I had hoped he wouldn't notice.

Shrugging, I let my shoulders droop. I intertwine my fingers in his hair and close my eyes briefly. Am I okay with everything? Is it weird that I kind of am?

"Felix," I say, resting my chin on his shoulder. He hums, but doesn't turn around, letting me comb his hair. "What if I am okay? Is that weird to you?"  Felix tilts his head thoughtfully. 

"I don't think so. Technically, you already knew most of this; it was just hidden away. I guess you could think of it like a door. We opened it, and now you recognize it to be true." Nodding, I agree with him wordlessly.

It does feel as if I have heard everything he's saying, as if I already knew it all before. I guess I just wish I had known sooner, because Felix did have a point. Falling in love isn't a choice, and you can't force someone to fall in love. Can you?