Pray for the Wicked | ATEEZ

26.

I sat completely still on the bed as Hongjoong treated the wound on my leg, my grip on the sheets tightening more and more, knuckles turning white, as his fingers brushed the skin along the side of my calf; covered in blood, my blood, as I tried my best to remain silent.

I didn't want to anger him, to become even more of a burden, and I bit my lip in order to hold back any and every sound that desperately wanted to escape as flashes of pain shot up my leg.

"I can't help but feel like you deserve it after what you've done."

His words echoed in my mind as I stared at the top of his head and, almost guiltily, admired the way cerulean blocks of hair messily fell into his face, leaving shadows that hid and obscured his features from view as he continued to work in silence.

"You know," I began, my voice piercing the air like a spear although I tried to keep it down, "No matter how much I think about it, how many times I go over it in my head, I always fall short when it comes to the apology that I owe you. I can't verbally express how sorry I am for what I did back in Odeion."

I felt Hongjoong tense for a moment, hesitate, but his focus never left the gash on my leg, his eyes never left the bandage as he carefully wrapped the soft material around my leg.

I sighed, deciding that it might be easier this way, "And it confuses me that even when you get angry at me, even when you're furious, you don't fully show it. You always hold back. I realized a while ago that I might be the villain in this story, and that I will always be indebted to you. Even now," I made a gesture at him that seemingly went unnoticed.

"But I am truly sorry, Hongjoong. You were right in calling me corrupted, an angel without morals. I realized that I'm selfish, that I want too many things, that I really am the traitor you said," I continued, pausing for a moment.

"But I gave you my word. I promised that I would make it up to you and I will, in any way possible, whatever you want. I owe it to you-"

"Stop apologizing," Hongjoong said, finally raising his eyes to meet mine which immediately made me shrink back into silence. "I hate it," he added, "Because when you apologize that sincerely it feels like you really did use me."

"Hongjoong-"

But the son of Lilith caught me to it as his eyes darkened with something like the guilt I had come to know so well by now, something like rage.

"Are you the only villain, then? Are you forgetting how you fell in the first place? Who forced you to take that very first step towards corruption?" the demon demanded, a shaky breath leaving his lips that left me momentarily stunned.

"I am to blame for all of this. I not only broke into Heaven but stole the next heir to all of Illenium, kidnapped her- Dahlia, I kidnapped you, for goodness' sake! I committed a crime, a sin worthy of punishment, punishment you should give me. You did nothing wrong, there was nothing wrong in wanting to go home-"

"But I lied to all of you, I did use you," I pressed, "I used you to get into Odeion, to see something that was never mine to lay eyes upon, I put all of you in danger several times all because I was greedy. I hurt you, physically, even."

"Well, then I'm sorry as well," Hongjoong said, "I have long lost count of all of the lies I've told. I apologize for what happened in the forest as well. You got hurt because of me, because I wanted attention. I obviously took you by surprise, caught you off guard. And the river- what I said was only to distract you from the pain."

"But you don't owe me anything-" I tried only to once more be cut off by him as he sat up a little and leaned slightly closer, "I thought that if I could get you to think of something else, you would forget about the wound, forget that, just like the first time, the reason you fell was because of me. Believe it or not, I don't actually enjoy seeing you suffer."