Coffee, Tea // Spencer Reid

Chapter 47 - Putting Out The Fire With Gasoline

"Kobe..."

Bouncing off the edge of the trashcan, the balled up letter dropped on the floor. Lilith let out a long sigh, before getting up to pick up the piece of paper.

Writing a letter was appearing to be way more difficult than she thought. The proper words could not come to her mind. There was no way to properly apologise for what she'd done to him. Poor Spencer... Because of her pettiness, he'd been left clueless for weeks. She couldn't entirely blame Jeanine, she loved her friend to bits. If only Lilith had swallowed a bit of her pride... Lilith shook her head. It wasn't the time to think about "what if's". She grabbed her pen and sat back at her desk.

After a couple of hours of writing and discarding her work, Lilith came up with a three page letter giving all the reasons as to why she acted the way she did, why she was selfish and giving a long apology. There wasn't any mention of Jeanine, she didn't want Spencer to hate her friend. Lilith simply talked of a "misunderstanding", without giving too many details. And of course, without mentioning how she felt about him. The letter was fairly imperfect, but she knew that if she spent too long ruminating on the letter she would go crazy. Sliding the letter into a green envelope, Lilith got out of the chair and grabbed her keys.

Each step up the stairs made her more and more anxious. What would she even tell him? "Hi! Sorry for ghosting you for three weeks, here's a pathetic letter I wrote in two hours! I hope you won't ask too many questions and will just be my friend again!" The whole thing seemed so ridiculous in her head. But even if Spencer couldn't forgive her, it was important to her that he knew she was sorry. If this was to be the last time they ever spoke, she'd rather have him see her as "his shitty best friend that apologised" than "his shitty best friend that abandoned him". Because she knew that Spencer had been abandoned one too many times in his life. By his father, by his school administration when he was bullied, by his mother when she had to be sent to a hospital, by Gideon, his second father figure, by Maeve, his first love... By everyone who mattered to him, it almost seemed. Lilith didn't know if she mattered to him anymore, but the thought of him thinking all of this was his fault made her sick to the stomach.

Before she knew it, she had arrived at Spencer's front door. She quickly knocked before her courage ran out. No one answered. After the third time she knocked, Lilith figured something was wrong. She whipped out her phone from her backpocket and dialled Penelope.

"Hi Lilith! How are you?" Garcia's chirpy voice was refreshing.

"Hey, I'm good, just a quick question..."

"I'm all ears!"

"Are you guys on a case?"

"No, why?"

"Um... Okay, I know this is weird to say after all that has happened... But Spencer isn't home..."

There was a pause at the other end of the line.

"Lilith... you're in contact with Spencer again?" Penelope's tone of voice had drastically changed from cheerful to inquisitive and slow.

"No, not really. It's just that I- I want to talk to him."

"Oh, well sweetie, I don't think you'll be able to get ahold of him for a couple of days. He mentioned something about leaving a couple of days this weekend for a lecture at Yale I think? I can't remember, sorry."

"Oh, it's okay. I'll tell him another time then. Thank you a lot, Penelope"

"Good luck, Lilith."

Lilith stared at the door for a bit, considering her options. She could hand deliver it to him when he'd come back, with the risk of her chickening out any moment between now and when Spencer would come back. She had the key to his apartment, so she could leave it on the counter, but that seemed slightly creepy to her. Or, she could slide the letter under the door, no takebacks.

She crouched so as to have a better view of the space beneath his door. It seemed large enough to fit the envelope. The young woman slid the letter half way through. Indeed, it was large enough. But a thought striked her as she held the letter between her fingers. This feels wrong. I can't do it this way. I just can't. Lilith took back the letter almost instinctively, and paced away from the door.

I can't apologise like this.