Back to the Start(nalu)

5- Too Soon

Loke and I stand in the room alone, Gray and Erza heading back to the guild together.

I'm filled with tension and the feeling that I will snap any second. I don't know how much more I can handle.

"Are you okay, Natsu?"

I take a deep breath and look to Loke.

"I'm fine. What did you need to talk about?"

He picks up a picture frame on her night stand and looks at it. I have to clench my fists to keep from yelling at him to put it down, that it's not his to touch.

"Lucy."

I sigh and shake my head.

"I don't want to talk ab-"

He cuts me off and starts talking.

"She is the most selfless person I have ever met. She would fight to protect someone who had tried to kill her only moments before. Lucy only liked to see the good in people."

He sets down the picture frame. The little energy I had seems to be completely depleted and I speak with a defeated tone, tears threatening to start covering my eyes.

"Why are you saying all of this? I already know, trust me."

He shakes his head and gives me a look that tells me I'm not understanding.

"I just don't think that it's fair that a person as pure as Lucy could die so soon, when she could have had so much life left to live."

My once depleted energy gets replaced with anger and I my voice comes out sounding aggressive.

"You think that I don't know that? That we all don't know that? She didn't deserve to die. She should be here, in this room, instead of me and you!"

After my tangent ends my breathing has picked up its pace and I swallow a gulp of air to try and calm myself down. I start to feel embarassed by how I lost my cool and I bring my hand up to rub my forehead to try and ease a headache.

"Look, I'm s-"

"What do you think happens after we die, Natsu?"

I start to apologize for taking out my frustrations on Loke but he cuts me off before I get the chance to. My head snaps up to look at him and my hand goes back to my side.

"What did you say?"

He looks at me with confidence and a serious expression but I stay silent, not knowing what to say or why I would say it. I gulp nervously and stare back at him without opening my mouth and he gets tired of waiting.

"Natsu?"

"I don't know."

He nods his head but I can tell he's disappointed that I didn't answer.

"Why are you here, Loke?"

I talk in a stern voice.

I'm sick of talking about this. I just want to be alone. Why don't people understand that they aren't helping at all. The only person that could help me right now is Lucy.

"I just wish that she didn't have to be gone, Natsu."

My fists clench at my sides and my eyes close tightly.

"That's enough."

Of course she shouldn't be gone. Why do people keep talking about it with me? It's not helping anything. Hearing about everybody else's grief for her only strengthens my own.

I can't take it anymore.

"Maybe there's a way t-"

"Just get out!"

My fist slams into the wall, a loud bang echoing through the room.

The sounds of the ticking clock become present again as all of the other noise in the room fades out.

I keep my eyes trained down, hiding the water that's building up in them.

Loke walks to the doorway, finally going to leave me to myself, but stops and turns to me before he walks out.

"She was selfless, Natsu. I owe her my life and I haven't finished paying that debt. If I had the chance to continue paying it then I would take it."

I keep my head  down and my hand still on the wall.

"You would too."

The door shuts and I'm left alone in her room.

I lift my head up and look to the wall that I punched so carelessly. The spot where my fist hit now has cracks all throughout the small spot, chips of paint falling to the ground.

Guilt fills me suddenly and I brush my fingers against the spot.

"I'm sorry, Lucy."

My hand slowly drops to my side and I walk over to her bed. I sit down and look to the night stand. My hand reaches for the picture frame, mine, Lucy's and Happy's smiling faces looking right back at me.

I was supposed to protect her.

I promised her that I would protect her, that she would be okay.

"Haven't finished paying that debt."

He was right.

I haven't repaid her for all that she's done for me. How can she leave now, when there's still so much I need to do for her? It can't be her time...it's too early. She doesn't deserve this.

I can see it all playing through my head. Everything is so vivid in my memory. Every smell, sound, and touch are so prominent in my mind.

I could've stopped it.

I can see him slowly getting up, just a tiny little movement visible behind Lucy who scolds me for breaking a hole in the wall of someone's shop. He was lying on the ground without any light around him, so his body was covered in shadow, but that didn't stop the tiny glint of light that was produced when he grabbed hold of a dagger. I missed the glint. I was being too cocky and didn't think he was a problem...

So I didn't catch him throwing it directly in front of him until it was too late and it was stabbing deep into Lucy's back.

I should have seen it.

If I could just go back...I could fix everything.

My hands clench the picture frame.

"I wish I could fix it, Lucy."

I set the picture frame down and lay down on the bed, closing my tear filled eyes and letting sleep take over.

That night I dreamt.

I dreamt of Hargeon, of meeting Lucy and grabbing her hand to take her to Fairytail. And I dreamt of falling. Falling down through a million memories of Lucy.