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CHAPTER TWENTY ONE
☆
𝘐 𝘛𝘏𝘖𝘜𝘎𝘏𝘛 𝘐'𝘋 𝘉𝘌 𝘈𝘉𝘓𝘌 to sit next to her and be okay throughout the full 2 hours, but I'm not. I keep looking over at her trying to figure out if she's really changed and she... She's tuned into the show. Every now and then she'll look over giving me the same, I'm sorry to look she has been giving me since we made eye contact. The worst part is I can't tell if she's playing me again, or not.
It doesn't matter. I shouldn't even be here, but once again I find myself doing something I said I wouldn't do. I snap out of my thoughts as her laughs fill my ears, along with the many others in the room. I'm guessing a joke was just made. The audience's laugh dials down after a minute and I snap at myself for not letting myself have a good time.
I should be laughing but no, in sitting here with my ex thinking about my other sorta ex.
From my peripheral, I can see our server bringing over the food we ordered. I got a creamy shrimp pasta and Ivy got a burger. I sit up clearing my things from the table to make room for the food.
"Hey." the server whispers as she sets the past in front of me and the burger in front of Ivy. "Your drinks will be right out is there anything else I can grab for you guys?" I have everything I need no I say no thanks and she's on her way. The pasta is coated in cream-colored sauce along with vegetables and shrimp. I take a bite. it's delicious but for some reason, I just can't enjoy it. I take a few more bites hoping something will change but it doesn't.
I spend the rest of the show scrolling on my phone and occasionally thinking about Sage. When I say occasionally I mean every other minute but who's counting? The crowd cheers for the comic one last time before he exits the stage and the lights come on. People start gathering things and slowly exiting as we sit in silence.
I stare off into space as I wait for her to say something. Anything that will make this awkwardness fade because honestly, the more it stays quiet the angrier I get. The silence makes me think of everything all over again and not only do I get upset, I get tired. I still hate her for everything she did to me, but I don't have the energy to fight about it.
"so-"
"I-"
we speak at the same time and stop to let the other go but we only mumble over each other for a few more seconds until it gets silent. "Okay," I breathe out "you go."
I didn't look at her but I could see her nodding from the corner of my eye. "Okay."
"There's no excuse for my past behaviors and actions and I know an apology won't erase any damage I've done but I owe you one. Just like I owe you an explanation. So here it is u guess? Uhm... high school was shit for me. I was going through so much shit with my parents and working to support myself and whatnot. The school didn't make things any better."
She takes a long deep breath before continuing.
"None of those are excuses. I was a shitty person overall and that mixed with unsolved personal issues didn't mix well. I thought getting myself invested in someone or something would help me but I just ended up dumping everything onto you. I didn't even bother to see if you were doing okay yourself. That was beyond fucked up and I wish I could change it."
"Secondly, yes I was using you but not in the way you may think."
My breath hitches at her somewhat confession and I feel so many different emotions at once, I want to say something but I don't. I let her talk to top myself from letting tears go.
"I didn't use you for money or sex...I didn't need any of that. Like I said I had shit going on and I needed a distraction. I hate myself for it but you were the perfect distraction. When we were together I felt like I could do anything, be anything... You never looked down on me and I took that for granted. I'm sorry."
I keep my thoughts to myself- at least until I know she's done talking. When she doesn't speak I take the opportunity to find what I want to say. Weirdly, it's taking me so long to do so given that I've rehearsed this moment forever.
So many things I planned on saying that I can't think of now. All the time I planned out my perfect responses to her and now... nothing. I'm stuck trying to figure out what to say while my mind is on the girl I actually like. It takes me a couple more minutes to find something but I say the only thing I can.
"I forgive you. We're... older now. It's in the past."
For the first time in the whole night, I can bring myself to look at her. Her blonde hair which was mid-length senior year is now long and layered. Her makeup was done lightly and she was dressed in red. Her color. Her lips are lined in red and her lashes are done with eyeliner.
I feel my heart pick up a bit and I'm not sure why. I remember seeing her look like a younger version of this at the dance and that's when I fell in love with her. I remember her looking so pretty under the spotlight, I wanted her to be my first everything.
She pushes a strand of hair behind her ear. "It being in the past doesn't make it okay. So thank you for... hearing me out." I don't know what it is about the look on her face, the fact that she seems genuinely sorry, or the fact that she looks really good it's bothering me.
"Yea but, we've both moved on though?" I say this in more of a question-like tone than a statement. She lets out a small laugh before nodding. "Yea uhm... you could say that" That sounds nothing like a yes but I'll force myself to take it as such because I don't want to bring up anything she doesn't want to talk about.
"And you? You're like irresistible... I'm sure someone has you to themselves by now."
I disregard the gut feeling I get from her comment because my mind immediately lands on Sage. Ironically every time it does one of the first things I think about is that fucking bathroom. I clench my thighs together trying to push every thought of her out of my mind.
"No actually... I'm single."
The air between us thickens as I watch her eyes go down to my chest and back up. We make eye contact immediately after and she looks away. "That sucks. What'd she do?"
"What makes you think she did something."
"Who would walk away from you?"
I laugh a little at her compliment or whatever that was."... okay you're right. I left. It doesn't matter what she did or said, it wouldn't have worked out anyway."
We spend the rest of the night talking and catching up with one another. I never actually got the explanation on the name tattoo but I will. Never in a million years did I think Ivy and I would be planning hangouts again.
